This would be a long post. I'll share everything here I cannot talk about with anyone irl. I have curated this whole post by myself taking time. I am begging for help. Do not suggest me therapy, as I do not earn and it is considered a taboo here. I my reconsider it later in life if the problem persists.
Preface about the title:
I am a 22 yr old male. I do not used to believe in my childhood that mental health issues even exist. I do not used to believe how can one be addicted to something. Aren't they in the control of their senses lol. Well the tables have turned.
Actual issues:
I was very anti social and only enjoyed the company of my best friends. Contradicting, but I love to talk to people and understand them, but I am not that good at it. I chose a Post Graduate degree which helped me a bit with public speaking and being social.
I chose to ignore my friends and sit at home and play video games. I absolutely love video games. But the problem is I don't even play video games when I am at home. I am easily distracted and start watching Youtube, Reddit, Instagram or even P*rn.
I never complete what I decide to do which eventually brings me to a sad state.
I don't think I am mature enough to be employed. I am also super lazy at doing mandatory tasks; especially studying, reading or even sparing time for my hobbies.
Recently, I have started to become absolutely lost, never being in the moment, which then results in me forgetting things. Mom tells me to bring groceries, I forget. What activities did I do last week, forgot. What did I do last summer, idk.
I am considerably fair man but with no social skills, negligible fashion sense and unattractive skinny body. I am a k*ssless virgin with "0" female interaction.
Factors affecting me:
Overthinking
P*rn addiction, which has to super extra time being needed to recover my right shoulder tendon damage. iykyk.
Energy drinks consumption, used to be montly, daily from past 1 month.
I am fascinated by crossdressing from the age of 5. This usually started to become a fetish when I started associating it with p*rn. This has led to develop weird kinks. These kinks go away when I don't peek at nudes, but comeback super strong.
I continously need to be watching any sort of screen. My eyesight has also worsened.
I have hated studies since the very childhood but I have become academically strong due to my sheer hardwork. I believe in myself that I can become better. I don't need motivation, I need solutions. Thank You everyone in advance. Forgive my weak grammar/spelling if any.