Does the bitter feelings ever truly go away?
I (31f) and struggling immensely with bitterness and depression. The version of myself because of infertility is not something I’m proud of. I’m so bitter because the issue doesn’t lie with me, and I know how awful that sounds, but I can’t help it and don’t know how to stop it. My best friend got pregnant and had her baby in the same timeline i was pregnant and lost my baby, and 9 months later i have nothing but failed egg retrieval’s to show for it. My friend got engaged first, married first, bought a house first, now had a baby first, and I’m always hit with the “you’re next” text. I hate that saying so much… I am never in competition with my friends but this one friendship is different. Maybe because I’m constantly reminded that I’m next in line and she gets it all first. When it is my time, excitement is way less because she already had it.
I’m terrified that when i do get pregnant I’ll just be bitter when around her. I get to listen to how beautiful motherhood is and all the endless advice she could give. Another reminder that I’m always second.
And i know how this sounds… typing this out i am so upset with myself for thinking these thoughts. Because in other friendships i don’t feel this way. I’m just bitter at the world, this friend, and my husband.
Part of me would rather just up and move away. Leave this life behind and start fresh. Infertility is changing me in ways i didn’t think possible. I’m angry because it’s happening to me not because of me. I wish i had the problem so i wasnt bitter to my husband. I hate myself for these feelings, i know I’m better than this pain. I am in therapy and it’s really not helping (probably need a new therapist). The grief is all consuming. I’m drowning in it.
Will the bitterness ever go away? Will i ever feel like friends and family will be happy for me and not forget about us or lose excitement because we are last? Will i be happy when pregnant? Will i feel joy again? This is all so dark but i know I’m not alone in these feelings, i just have a Reddit IVF page to connect to and no one else in my life.