I've been living in berlin for about 2 years now. Due to problems that caused delays with visa processing, I couldn't attend classes for a short while in the beginning. Once i got here, all the friend groups were set in stone and classes felt so awkward. Like I would talk to a few people but it was mostly indifference. I can let that go, as I usually have a bunch of hobbies that I haven't stopped since moving here.
Even then, most connections were mostly just surrounding the hobby itself, not genuine personal interest. I do have flatmates but they have their own lives and we hang out when we can. Other than that, it really feels like I have nobody here. Fleeting friendships here and there don't count, I bet. It's literally gotten to the point where I'm pretty much doing everything by myself 99 percent of the time and it's starting to wear me down.
I speak and understand German to an extent and I'm trying to improve it further. I do want to stay in Berlin, I've had some great times here and this city helped me understand exactly what I'm not - which I'm very grateful for.
The isolation even fucked with my mental health recently, forcing recurring anxiety attacks and just horrible days where I just got through in a daze. Not to over dramatise but for 3 those days I couldn't even force myself to eat more than a small snack per day. It's affected my work, my studies and my sanity.
I wrote this for my own fucked up version of catharsis.