[I HAVE A CONFESSION]: I had a crush on her for 3 years, and I think I’m finally ready to let go
I first noticed her during the second semester of our first year of nursing school. I thought she was attractive and interesting, and somehow I developed this quiet crush on her. We never actually talked.
The funny part is, she eventually found out that I liked her because someone snitched on me. 😭 So she knew that i like her even though we weren’t friends.
Then third year came, and somehow we became classmates. You’d think that would finally give me the courage to talk to her. Nope. I ignored her. Not because I didn’t like her. It was literally because I liked her too much I couldn’t even look her straight in the eyes.
Ironically, I became friends with her friends. I could talk to them normally, joke around with them, and hang out with them, but whenever she was around, I suddenly forgot how to function.
Then we were sent to Cebu for our psychiatric nursing clinical exposure, where she ended up being one of my roommates.
And the funniest part? We were assigned to the same bunk bed. I was on the upper bunk, and she was on the lower bunk. Yes. Her. The girl I’d had a crush on for years. The girl I couldn’t even look straight in the eyes. Now I literally had to sleep directly above her. 😭
It was SO awkward at first. I didn’t know where to look, how to act, or what to say. Every little thing felt embarrassing because I was painfully aware that she was literally right underneath me. This was supposed to be my chance to finally talk to her. Instead, I was probably more awkward than ever.
At one point, she apparently told her friends that she felt out of place. My roommates felt bad for her, so they started making an effort to become friends with her. Meanwhile, I was still there, on the upper bunk, avoiding her like my life depended on it. 😭
And this is where one of my friends basically gaslighted me into interacting with her. She kept pushing me to talk to her because I was clearly too scared to do it myself. After what felt like countless attempts, I finally approached her and said sorry. I still remember how many attempts it took just for me to finally say something to this girl.
Eventually, my roommates started figuring out that I liked her. And the funny thing is, I never told them. Nobody snitched on me this time. They just figured it out from my actions. 😭 I guess I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was. The awkwardness, the nervousness, the way I acted around her, probably the way I suddenly became hyper-aware of everything she did… apparently it was enough for them to connect the dots. Meanwhile, I was probably still convincing myself that I was being completely normal. Spoiler: I was not.
But somehow, those three weeks changed everything. We became close. We started talking about random things, then personal things, and eventually secrets. I shared some of mine with her, and she trusted me enough to share hers with me too.
And that’s when something changed for me. Before Cebu, I think I was mostly in love with the idea of her because I barely knew her. But after those three weeks, I actually got to know her. And somehow, I liked her even more.
Then, during our second week in Cebu, something happened that I still think about. It was a random Sunday night. The three of us were lying on my friend’s bed: me, the friend who had been forcing me to interact with her, and the girl I’d liked for years.
Somehow, the conversation turned personal, and I ended up admitting that I had liked her before. I don’t even remember exactly how the conversation got there. I just remember saying:
“I may admire you and everything, but I will never shoot my shot.”
And honestly, that line has stayed with me. She already knew I’d liked her back in first year because someone had snitched on me, so it wasn’t exactly a secret anymore. But I don’t know if she understood that I might still have feelings for her.
I didn’t say, “I still like you.” I didn’t say, “I’ve liked you for three years.” I just said I admired her and that I would never make a move.
Looking back, I think that was probably the closest I could get to confessing without actually putting myself completely out there. And the irony is that I said “I will never shoot my shot” while sitting right beside the girl I’d been crushing on for three years.
I still don’t know what she thought when I said it.
There were also little moments that stayed with me. She once told me, “I’m gonna miss your scent.” Another time, she smelled something and said, “This smells like you.”
And then came our last day in Cebu. We were at the port saying goodbye. I was hugging my other roommates, one by one. Apparently, she was waiting for me to turn around so she could hug me too. I didn’t even realize she was waiting. When I finally turned around, she hugged me.
It was such a simple thing, but for someone I’d liked for three years, that moment stayed with me. Maybe it was just a goodbye hug between friends. Maybe it meant something more. I honestly don’t know.
I’ve always felt some kind of tension between us, but because I’d already liked her for so long, I kept wondering if I was just imagining it.
Then came another plot twist.
That same friend who had been pushing me to interact with her eventually told me that the girl I liked had told her that she had feelings for me too.
And honestly, that made everything even more confusing. Because suddenly I started wondering if all those little moments actually meant something. Was the tension real? Did she actually like me? Was I just imagining everything because I’d liked her for so long?
I genuinely don’t know.
But there’s another part of the story. While we were in Cebu, she would sometimes talk about another girl. This was someone she had developed feelings for during her senior year of high school, and she was still very vocal about her. At one point, while we were roommates, she even said that she missed her.
And hearing that while I was literally sleeping on the bunk above her was… complicated. 😭 Because here I was, secretly liking this girl for three years, finally getting close to her, sharing secrets with her, and having all these little moments that made me wonder if there was something between us.
But at the same time, I knew there was someone else she had been carrying feelings for since high school. So even if she did have feelings for me, I knew that didn’t necessarily mean she was ready for anything with me.
We’re now in our final year of nursing school, and I still like her. A lot.
I’ve liked her for three years. At this point, I don’t think I can simply tell myself to stop feeling something. But I also don’t want to spend another few years holding onto a possibility.
So I’ve been thinking about writing her a letter at the end of our final semester.
I want to tell her everything. That I’ve liked her since first year. That she already knew about it before we even became friends. That I was so nervous around her that I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. That I still remember all the attempts it took just for me to finally say something to her. That our trip to Cebu unexpectedly gave me the chance to actually know her. That those three weeks meant much more to me than she probably realized. That I appreciated every secret she trusted me with and every little moment we shared. And that I’m grateful that after three years of having a crush on her, I eventually got to call her my friend.
I’m not planning to write the letter to make her choose me. I’m not expecting anything from her. I just want her to know that she mattered to me.
After that, I think I need to step back and finally let myself move on.
Not because I’m angry. Not because I resent her. And definitely not because I think she owes me anything.
I just think sometimes someone can mean so much to you without necessarily becoming your person.
Maybe she did have feelings for me. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe whatever she felt was complicated by what she already felt for someone else. Maybe I’ll never really know.
But I do know that I spent three years liking this girl from afar, and somehow, I eventually got the chance to actually know her.
And I’m grateful for that.
Maybe she won’t be my love story.
But she became part of my story.
And maybe that’s enough.