AIO - Retroactive Jealousy
Bear with me because this is a bit of a long one. Just want to give proper context.
I (29M) met my girlfriend (27F) just under two years ago after getting out of a toxic relationship in which I developed severe trust issues. For about six months, everything was amazing. She's an absolutely incredible girl and I'd never felt as strongly about anyone as I did with her.
The issues started to arise with one of her male best friends, we'll call him John. From the outset of the relationship, she emphasized that it was important that I got along with him. He seemed like a cool enough guy, and we had similar interests and hung out a few times. I'm not stupid and had a feeling that there was a past there that she wasn't telling me about, so I asked her about it. She said that there was one time where her and a few of her friends (this guy, two other guys, and a girl) were drunk on new years and had a very brief group sex interaction.
Learning this really hurt me, but we all have a past. I've had a few similar interactions myself, so I was able to understand and move forward. It was also two years before we even met and she was single at the time, so more power to her.
Then the real problem comes. Last summer we were on a couples trip with her friends (John not included), and I couldn't help but feel like there was more she wasnt telling me. So like an idiot, I looked through her phone. I don't know what I was hoping to see, but what I found did severe damage that I'm trying to recover from. Throughout the years her and John texted in a way that was overtly sexual, although never mentioned actually doing anything. She would send him bikini photos and he would compliment her body. She also had a specific name for his penis (this is important to note for later.) There was also a photo of her in a bathroom at a bar holding his dick.
I obviously confronted her about this, and we spent all night going back and forth on how to proceed. She explained that they have always had this type of relationship, where he was almost like a gay best friend, approving her bikini photos before she sent them to guys she was seeing. Again, all of this happened years before I met her, and there was nothing over the line after we started dating.
The thing that haunts me is that a few of the bikini photos she sent me when we were talking but not dating were also sent to him. And up until the day I went through her phone, she referred to my dick with the same name that she called his. These discoveries, combined with the photos I saw, completely destroyed me. She didn't cheat on me, but I've never felt so horrible in my life. Before this whole event, I saw her as the perfect woman, and someone I'd want to spend my life with. But this event shattered my trust.
Over the past 9 months, I have stuck it out hoping that things would get better. I asked her to cut John off given the circumstances, and she did so without hesitation. I truly do believe that she would take it all back if she could, and I know she loves me to the ends of the earth. She treats me better than anyone ever has, but despite all that, I can't help but feel like I've completely fallen out of love. I no longer feel that she is my forever person.
The other night I finally told her that this has been eating at me for almost a year, and I don't think it will get better. She agreed, and told me that she wants to work on this with me to make things better. I believe her, but I just don't know if anything will get better. I don't know if it is even possible to rebuild the trust or love that I felt for her before everything happened.
She is truly the perfect person, minus these things from the past that I am having trouble coping with. I can't decide whether I want to work on this relationship or move on and start something new. The paralysis is killing me, and I feel like I need to make a decision and be at peace with it before my head rips in half.
Am I overreacting?