Thinking about giving up
On love in general. I've been love-obsessed for almost my entire life and it's caused me nothing but pain to myself and others.
Theoretically I suppose I could always hop on a dating app, and, through trial and error, eventually find someone. But I've never liked that approach, and I honestly really hate the modern dating scene so I want to avoid stuff like that.
I don't want this fake love that you see everywhere, I want true obsessive love where you truly can't stop thinking about the other person. Where your mental state entirely relies on whether that person talks to you or not. Where the two of you spend most, if not all of the day together, every day of the week. That to me is what love is, what love should be anyway. I've thought about carving the name of someone I cared about into my skin before, I think that'd scare a lot of people away.
It doesn't help that I'm damaged goods, both mentally and physically. Mentally I'm so messed up that nobody "normal" would want to deal with me. I don't have "cute" mental illness (something that doesn't even exist in the first place, mental illness is never "cute"), I'm genuinely mentally screwed up in a lot of ways. A lot of people don't want to deal with all that. As for why I'm physically damaged, I'll let you tie two and two together.
So I feel like giving up. This desire for love has only hurt me, and my specific type of love is considered "weird" by most people. Which is funny because I feel like the people who call my love "weird" are the ones that have the wrong form of "love". Although I'm glad I found this community and found a bunch of like-minded individuals.
There's a user on this subreddit that talks a lot about black roses. They inspired me to put a picture of one on this post. I can see why they talk about them so much, they're really pretty, even if they aren't seen in nature.