60 days!
And 1 day, but who’s counting 😅 Anywho, hello! I’m not sure what I have to say. I cannot remember the last time I’ve been sober for this long. It’s been at least 2 years of daily (and increased) drinking, but more likely 4y if I’m honest with myself. Considering that, I am very proud of myself.
Things feel rather strange at the moment… I have near constant flashes of shameful “memories” (read: moments I have no recollection of, but know vague details of and ofc the next day shame); I have no cravings for alcohol, but I have strong cravings for some mind/body altering sensation; nothing has changed in my life/schedule, and I feel like I should be doing more, but don’t know where to start; I’m noticing more and more how listless I am, and how boring/unhealthy/superficial those around me are.
I hope that makes some sense? Happy to elaborate any point… I wasn’t expecting some “grand” change to my life. On the contrary, I am so glad for the little changes. My sleep schedule is finally starting to even out. My appetite is regular. My friends actually accept my late night calls again, without fear that I’m off the deep end.
Still, I feel like something is missing. I’m afraid that I’m grasping at straws for some level of fulfillment/enjoyment in life, and as I’m not finding it “immediately”, I worry that my boredom will inevitably trigger a relapse. On the flip side, I have absolutely zero concerns about relapse. It’s very black and white in my mind- as if my sobriety is a predetermined outcome. I.e. “you’ll hit 90d, 6m, 1y, bc you said you would”. As if there is no argument to be had. That’s good, I suppose.
So, not quite sure what I’m getting at here. Perhaps a touch of PAWS, perhaps a desire to talk at people who can empathize more than those in my life, perhaps a mix of both 🤷🏻♀️ I am extremely grateful to have made it this far, that the shame I experience from past actions becomes less intense over time, and that those still in my life are willing to see and appreciate that I made this long-overdue change. I’m glad I believed myself when I said “nothing is insurmountable, and no one is irredeemable”.
I hope all of you are well 🫶🏻 thank you for being here!