My sibling assaulted me for a month when I was 8 and I want my mom to cut them off. Am I wrong for this?
Hello everyone. I am 20F (will be 21 next month) and this is my first post. I have always been an avid reddit reader, but could not find a post similar to my issue. I sincerely apologize if this is not in the correct group, and will remove if I need to. I am in desperate need of advice. I am going to try to make this as short as possible, so I apologize if it is long.
TL;DR: My sibling sexually assaulted me continuously for a month when I was 8 and they were 16. The trauma buried itself under other traumas and issues since I have severe depression and has just now started to affect me. I have cut off my sibling and want my mom to cut them off as well. Am I wrong?
I believe some brief background information is needed. My sibling and I are 8 years apart and they are my only sibling. They were 16 when they sexually assaulted me continuously for a month while I was 8 years old. By this time, we were both living with our single mother who worked at our school as a teacher. Our father was abusive (more mentally than physically) and left when I was little. I never remembered living with him and only had to endure him on various weekends, but my sibling got the most of the abuse. They were old enough to remember living with him and the abuse that was caused at a young age.
I do not remember much about the specifics of the abuse. In fact, I do not remember much of my life. Without going into details that don’t pertain specifically to this, I want to say that I have experienced multiple types of trauma from my family and friends and have had a very much non-enjoyable life. My therapist says I have blocked out most of my school life as I don’t even remember much about high school. My mother tells me it supposedly only happened when my sibling was babysitting me and my mom was not home. I remember a couple of specific instances that I will not describe, and just a feeling of being very uncomfortable when I was in my siblings room.
I eventually told a friend on the playground (I don’t remember how) and she told her mom and they went straight to CPS. My sibling went to court and was out of the house for over a year doing therapy and such. During this time, they stayed in a hotel with our father while my mom stayed home with me. Eventually, after lots of therapy, they were reintegrated back into our home.
Fast forward to me being older, for some reason the assault never bothered me. I never thought about it ever and it never affected me to see my sibling. I think it may be of note to add that my sibling transitioned (MTF) right before I graduated high school and has been married for 4 years (they are actually getting a divorce as of last week but anyways) and I have always been very supportive and loving. My mom believes the abuse she inflicted on me is the main reason for the transition even though she has never said that.
However, the trauma is now starting to really affect me and I believe it was affecting me all this time. I became sexually active way too young in my opinion. I was OBSESSED with male attention/validation and did not care if they used me for my body. I have never had a boyfriend (even though I always wanted one) and have let people walk all over me while giving away my body. I became sexually involved with older boys at 14 (oral sex) and lost my virginity to someone I thought cared about me at 15. I have always struggled with men, relationships, sexuality, and feeling disgusted with my body because of how I let people use it. I just wanted to feel cared for and wanted.
At this point, I have cut my sibling off. However, this is recent. My sibling is still not a great person imo. When I was 18 they and their wife took me to my first rave (they are HUGE ravers and take tons of drugs) I was excited and wanted to try some too. At the end of the night we had a hotel room for the three of us plus one of their female friends and they allowed their female friend to bring in her boyfriend, who was extremely drugged up, into our hotel room to stay the night (without asking if i was comfortable with it) and kicked me out of my bed so the couple could use it. She also would never reach out to me unless I did first. These are just a couple of examples how she is still not a good sibling. Granted, she has not assaulted someone else, but still.
Even though this trauma is 12 years old, it is just now starting to really affect me. I have been in therapy and taking psych meds since i was 8 years old. I was committed to two mental hospitals in high school and have attempted once. Since February, I have been having a life crisis where I feel like my built up childhood trauma (not just this) has ruined my chance to have a happy life. This caused me to start to dissect and really think about the COCSA I suffered. I’m disgusted. I almost equate it to this example:
When I was 15 I thought being able to pull this 19 year-old guy was a huge flex. I had sex with him and was very proud and bragged about it to some of my friends bc I thought I was hot shit. Now that I am of/around that age I can see that is DISGUSTING. I would never go for someone that much younger than me in high school.
Now that I am older and have gone through this crisis where I am revisiting all my trauma, I cannot forgive my sibling anymore. Because at 16 I (and my friends) all knew better than to commit incest with our 8 year old sibling who knew it was wrong since they waited for mom to leave. There is no way to justify that in my mind and I am guilty of holding grudges. I can no longer look at my sibling without being triggered and sort of resent my mom for allowing her back into the house and around me at all.
My mom understands why I want to cut her off, but says she can’t do it because she spent so many years thinking I was okay with it and had forgiven my sibling. Which is true. It is only recently that the trauma has come to light. My mom barely sees my sibling (my sibling doesn’t talk to her much either) but says she will not mention my sister ever again in front of me and has taken down all photos which I know is heartbreaking for her. She believes my sister has truly changed and is a good person and that she was so sorry. Again, while she hasn’t assaulted anyone else, she has not been a good sister, daughter, or friend. And of fucking course someone’s gonna be sorry when the police are at the door and you’re in court. Part of me knows that wanting my mom to cut my sister off is mean to ask her. The other part of me can’t look at my mom while I know she is still speaking to her. We have fought over this for a couple months now and my mom has apologized hundreds of times, but says she loves her daughter (my sibling), has forgiven her, and cannot cut her out of her life.
I should be discussing this with my therapist, but I am across the country for college right now and this year she has kind of ghosted me. I am in the process of trying to find a new therapist ASAP, but it is hard when your previous one knew your years of background trauma. I think i have tunnel vision right now and just need some outside opinions. Am I unreasonable?
I am so sorry for the length. I tried to trim it down.