11 months out now, Need to vent
I can't believe its been almost a year since I lost my love of several lifetimes. Its crazy how it feels like yesterday and long ago at the same time. I can't fathom it being that long since I saw his handsome face, kissed his lips or heard his voice but I know because I'm counting. Don't we all?
Any of you get the feeling being with them was all a dream at times? It still doesn't make any fucking sense that he's not with me!
In the span of a few months starting April 2025, we had to put my dog down because of old age and cancer and lost my partner, my apartment, my grandfather and my job. All of the firsts without him followed in succession. Xmas, New Years, Valentines, my birthday, our anniversary was last month. His birthday and death day both in June. He would've turned 42. I will still celebrate his birthday with a fruit tart like he loved.
I truly don't know how I am still sane and standing, to be perfectly frank. I don't understand how I am not completely batshit crazy. I exist because he told me thats what he would want in this situation (he also said for me to be happy and I told him I wouldn't be,) Or I'd have checked out myself by now to be with him, wherever he is. I believe he is somewhere else, just out of sight.
I lost my whole life within the space of months. I still sleep like shit and wake up at the exact time he used to start working from home most mornings. I miss the sound of him typing and making phone calls, forehead kisses on his weekly in office day. I still feel ao lost without my best friend but I stopped crying every day and resumed my social life with close friends. I even started taking long walks for health reasons and somehow I feel closer to him when I'm outside, walking alone.
I still talk to him aloud as if he's standing here all the time. Still say good morning and goodnight the way we used to. His side of the bed is now occupied by his pillow dressed in his favorite hoodie. He's still very much a part of my life. And I know he's around still, I feel it strongly from time to time, I've had alot of strange occurrences that reinforce that notion.
My sister in law is supposed to give birth to a baby boy soon, due date is my love's birthday. He and his sister were close. I have a knowing feeling the date will be very close if not spot on. I am gonna spoil that kid rotten. I can't wait. His family has been so wonderful to me and I still feel like I failed them even though I know now there was nothing I could've done. I kept him alive till the professionals could take over and it took my best friend pointing it out before that clicked in my own head.
Before he left, he was supposed to help me with a project I always wanted to start, I bought the materials for said project a few weeks ago finally but haven't opened the box yet to even try. I'm actually terrified to start. I will though...eventually and soon. He believed in me more than ever did myself. I just don't want to fail him again I think or myself. Maybe both.
I fucking hate this! He should be here with me. I thought I was done! I found him again this time, we had a life and plans. I was so grateful every day that I was finally happy. WE were happy. I had THE ONE, on sight, to grow old with...but the Universe is a huge asshole with other plans. It stings to see happy couples going on with their lives, milestones and constantly asking the void: "Why us? What did we do to deserve this?!" I envy them so much it chokes me! I want my life with him back so much it borders on unbridled rage.
Still can't see myself dating anytime soon, if ever. I don't even want to go through all that again, not that it was hard with him. I also don't want to be alone forever but I'm also weirdly fine with it, if that's what happens. My heart and soul still belong to him and I feel like he took my heart and half my soul with him. I don't think I can love anyone like I loved that man, honestly. He was different. I knew I loved him before i ever spoke a word to him.
Thats what it feels like now, not sure it will ever change. I don't *feel* single and I am still very much in love with him, doesn't matter that he's not physically here. I still feel the same way, everyone else can Kentucky Fried Fuck right off!
I know its still pretty fresh in the scheme of things but after losing him and everything thats happened after? I just don't *care* about much anymore. Friends come to me with their relationship shit for advice and I want to just hit em with "Yeah but did they die?!" But I don't because I'm not a bitch (in that way anyhow)
I feel like I am just adrift in life. No direction, no real motivation and lonely for him all the goddamned the time!
Oftentimes, I feel like I am just waiting to die, waiting for something to take me out so I can see him again. I don't want to live til I'm elderly if it means that long without him. Everyone we know gets fkn weird when I even bring him up casually in conversation. They get all awkward and the air gets heavy and that really fkn sucks. Its not like I talk about him to them endlessly, it would be something as simple as "Oh he liked this or that. Or used to say this or that" 🙄 I am okay talking about him now, why the fuck can't they be? Its so fkn weird and annoying.
So I came here today to vent to people who get it.
Is it easier now? Fuck no. For someone like me, it will never be. I will love and miss him for the rest of my life and I'd do it all over again even if I knew the outcome....1,000 times over.
I hope eveyone has the day they'd like and if you got this far, thank you for reading, what's left of my heart is with you. ❤️🩹 Love ya'll. ✌🏽