u/Ilostcontrol109

First of all I'm sorry for asking a lot of questions and venting here in general.
But I heard that I will gain weight when I begin on t [which I have not done yet now]
and I don't want to gain weight and want to be slim.

But there is a problem. I mean food restrictions and work out I can do.

However I went through two back surgeries in span of 3 years and since I'm East Asian I have small frame and thin bone structure as well.

I do not know how to gain muscles and also not gain weight when I begin on t later in my life. Idk what to do anymore and I'm already getting tired with this.

should I give up and live as a woman or what should I do. thanks.

Am I still trans masc person when I did not had life long gender dysphoria and I recently found out that I was kind of trans masc who is also Bisexual Asian Boy/Man. I did not had gender dysphoria till two months ago, and I feel like I'm intruding this space. Maybe I was never trans at all when I hear from other trans man saying that they have been dealing with gender dysphoria when they were 6. Maybe all of this is caused by my internalized misogyny and my depression, Adhd and BPD. I need help and I'm really struggling with this. Am I still trans or not?

I hate venting here. I really do. I hate that I got no one, no friends and everything that supports and understands me and they are all those conservative east asian folks that are also often times older than I am.
I just got fired from my part-time job today, which was at a doctor's office.
I did not like working there, but at least it was giving me money.
But than I was fired today because "I was not their style."
I received couple hundreds of dollars because I was working there for two weeks.

Right now, I have short hair. I also dress pretty masculine and I was about to save up some money from my part-time job so I can get some money to move out from my mom's house and to use my part-time job experience to get a full time job so I finally can transition.

But now that plan is gone.

I won't even have money to cut my hair short, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm already suffering from gender dysphoria, and I feel like God or whoever is out there telling me not to transition because I better live as "woman."

I don't want to grow my hair out, I want to cut my hair but I got no money and my mom does not support me and my dysphoria is only becoming worse day by day and I'm beyond hopeless.

I hate this life so fucking much and I want to just be born as a biological cis - het man the next life.

I wish I was tall. I wish I was tall. I wish I was tall.
I'm only 5'4 and I'm tired of trying to look like a man when I'm short as fuck compared to other cisgender man.
I wish for something that I cannot have, yet it is the only thing I can do.
No girls would date me and no one will even look at me as a man.
No one wants me.