Hello, I am here because I thought maybe some of you might be able to answer a question of mine.
I've recently been trying to figure out if I have AuDHD or not. (It's AuDHD because otherwise the specific preferences / issues I have don't make sense.) One of the things I'm unsure about is if the following could be considered an uncontrollable anger outburst (do I need to learn anger management?) or if it seems more like a meltdown:
First, for context:
During a certain time in my life, I usually directly retreated into my room after school since that was the only place at home where I could go. But my mother would always come sooner or later (I tried locking the door, which caused the key to be confiscated, as it was the parents house and they can go wherever whenever they want, fair enough) to talk to me about my grades (which were abysmal at best lmao). I tried to avoid these situations by for example hiding in the bathroom -> got caught, hiding under the bed -> got dragged out by my ankle lmao, running into the nearby forest -> mom had a breakdown, made me feel so guilty I never dared to try again.
When I couldn't avoid it, she would talk to me until I snapped. Once that happened, I would usually cover my ears and constantly repeat: ,,leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone ..." (you get the gist, pretty limited vocabulary, it was always the same.) At later points in time she would leave, but during earlier times she would continue to try to reason me into recognizing the importance of grades. It went far enough multiple times that I startet hitting myself over and over until I managed to calm down a bit again (and had a resounding headache, as I usually hit my head, but this was of little importance as I usually had a headache anyway).
During the later times when she realized it was better to leave, I'd pace in circles in my room until I'd calmed a bit and then I'd distract myself by reading, which would resolve the rest of the buildup. But I have always found walking in circles to be incredibly calming and great for thinking.
I'm sorry for the (deranged?) long text. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and answer. (I do not actually know anyone I could ask this in real life, which is why I'm asking here.)