Anxiety and dread
I know this will be a common feeling among this subreddit but was hoping for some advice. I have a history of anxiety, depressing and PTSD type symptoms. Up until recently I was in the best place mentally I could be, then the whole turning 30 contemplating kids came up. I was always against having kids as I don't like the noise, chaos etc. I don't dislike kids and will play with friends children and my nieces but I am always grateful to go home without them.
My partner was very much child free but similar to myself getting older the topic is being discussed. We both like the idea of having a child but I don't think I am cut out for the reality of it. He is very much happy with or without and doesn't seem to have a strong desire either way. I think this makes the decision harder because it is non committal.
In my line of work I see loads of older people whose kids have passed away, moved across the country or simply don't have time for them. I have also seen kids, grandkids etc doing everything they can to support their parents. So the idea of getting.old, though scary, doesn't factor into having kids as there is no guarantee.
I was pregnant and filled with so much dread and anxiety I couldn't eat or drink much for a week and was almost admitted to hospital for dehydration. I chose to have an abortion and do not regret the decision at that time. I couldn't go through it again though.
I have thought about all the stages, how we would manage. Looked into child care, summer camps etc etc. Thought about when said child would be more independent. I have tried to envision having a great child and a bad child as there are so many factors that influence children, not just parents and home life. Every time I think I can do this I am riddled with anxiety, when I accept not having them there are doubts but my anxiety is much better.
I guess I'm trying to figure out if this is normal anxiety or my mind and body telling me this is not for you. My partner and I are going to revisit the topic but this is hell. Thanks in advance for any advice