CW for denial of care and possible enby-phobia.
I am a transmasculine non-binary person. Growing up, I felt that my body should be different from what it was. When I was a young teenager, I knew that I wanted to be a boy and transition, but that was 20 years ago, and I had no knowledge or support, so I went on to live the next two decades as a cishet woman, as I was also in a conservative religious cult that demonized LGBTQ people.
Over the last 1.5 years I have gradually come to acknowledge and accept that I am trans. The cult had punished and tortured people who were gender nonconforming like myself, which led to me experiencing symptoms of trauma and CPTSD. This included disassociation from my body and feelings. So even though I was living and feeling many trans experiences over the past 20 years, I had no safety to acknowledge it or even the language to describe it.
My acceptance of myself has improved my mental health tremendously, but also brought my dysphoria to the forefront (it was always there since childhood, but I had just attributed it to other things). My biggest source of dysphoria are my bottom parts. I remember throughout my life thinking up ways to relieve my bottom dysphoria (even though I didn't know it as that), and was super excited to learn that those things actually exist for trans people (packers, realistic stps, meta surgery).
I don't desire to be a binary trans man. If I could press a button and be my perfect self, I would be an androgynous presenting person with both sets of genitalia. I know that isn't very realistic for what I want, so my plan was to go on a low dose compounded T and apply it to my bottom part. The idea being that I could attempt to get maximum growth before the other changes progressed further than what I wanted. I want metiodioplasty, but I acknowledge that it might not be possible if I have too little growth.
I am mostly wanting to avoid my voice dropping completely, and I am wanting to minimize hair loss. I am fine with my voice lowering some, about what I've seen can happen to those who are 4-6 months on full dose T. But even though I have some anxiety about these changes, the dysphoria and how it affects my life are far worse. My sex life has become almost non-existent; I hate going out in public and interacting with people; using the toilet and dealing with menstruation is frustrating; my breasts cause me physical pain; etc.
The doctor I met with basically said that because I want some things and not all, and because I wasn't 100% excited for all the changes that can happen while taking T such as going bald, that she thought hormones were not right for me and she didn't want to prescribe them.
Instead, she said I should get surgery. And that the surgeon could put me on T for about 4 months. Or I could ask my doctor for a supplement to raise my T levels.
The entire visit I felt dismissed and disrespected. She didn't take me seriously when I said I would be happy with any bottom growth, but said it's "not a quick fix". I have seen plenty of people go on and off T, or take it for just a short time. The changes can happen on different timelines for different people. I told her if I didn't like what was happening, I would just stop. She kept repeating that she didn't want me to regret it. She even brought up how some people have waited their whole lives for hormones- it felt like she was implying I wasn't serious about it.
She suggested I go to a hospital in my state for a surgery consult, and I told her they aren't doing surgeries anymore. She insisted they were (they *aren't*). She gave me contact info for individual surgeons but one explicitly does not do FTM bottom surgery, and the other has no information about gender affirming care, and what I did find online was MTF surgeries many years ago. It felt like she was trying to pass me along to someone else because I wasn't serious enough and would have "regret".
Honestly I felt so humiliated after that visit. Especially after finding out that the contacts she gave me were incorrect. I had gone into this visit nervous but excited at the prospect that my dysphoria could be addressed. But now I feel absolutely crushed and hopeless.
I know that I can get another opinion somewhere, but honestly I am pretty triggered and I'm afraid of trying again. I am utterly depressed and discouraged. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I find that I hate that I'm nonbinary and "complicated", that it's not straightforward. I fear I will be told more of the same. I've just been sick since the visit, like I wish I never had explored or acknowledged my gender. I feel like I've been so stupid for trying.
And actually, most of my life I've spent wondering what's "wrong" with me, and as I've been starting my transition it's been making me feel so much better about myself, like I finally found what was "wrong", and I'm starting to heal and love who I am. But this medical denial has brought up all the old doubts and self-hate. And I guess that's how I feel right now, that I hate myself, I hate my life, and I especially hate my body. I'm trying to function but it feels hopeless and futile.
And I know this is long already but I'll add that I've done a lot of things to my body that I regret, but I've learned to live with it because it can't be reversed. I've given birth and it absolutely destroyed my health and my life. There is "regret", but at the same time I have the joy of my child. I can't imagine life without them. I don't see the possibility of regretting some changes on T as a valid excuse for not going on it, because there is also the possibility of life changing joy that I could get from it.