We've spent years in a marital playground informed by my porn addiction (I haven't watched porn in 9 years!) I enjoy dressing up, but it was getting to the point where it did not feel good for me.
I got to a convicting point a few years ago (5 years into our 10 year marriage) even talking through boundaries around triggers that made me uncomfortable, he would slip into habits. He'll take videos and we'd watch them together which is familiar and easy for me but it just keeps feeling like a way I'm making my own porn for us.
Over the last 1-2 years its been way better, but unless it was a full on effort with wigs and colored contacts and hours of foreplay, he lacked the same excitement which made me feel like I cant just... be my "boring" self and still excite him without all of that... I would go in saying I'm just addicted to your excitement but if this makes me lose confidence as myself, I don't want to do it.
He'll play along but I'm so insecure that while he tells me that he loves every type of sex we have it always seems like the back of his mind, he just wants that. Then he would logic me into everything is fine, this is just like lingerie, you seem to like it in the moment, don't let fear rule our room, but every time I feel more insecure without doing it.
A couple months ago I became firm in my boundary that this is NOT something I want in our sex life and I'm feeling so at peace and confident relying on God to help us in this, but his normal "balance" "were married and I like it because its you" "but I need that side of you" just isnt budging me... so he's mopey, disappointed, calling the sex we do have "vanilla" even though its always lights on, toys, playful, I'm pierced neck down for his enjoyment, I give him blowjobs almost every time, and i'm fine with spanking, taking nudes and sending them to him and admit that I want to explore other rooms, other positions, normal lingerie and ways to keep it exciting.
He just said that without that he'd be unhappy but apologized and keeps telling me that I just need to find new ways to make it feel exciting if I don't want to go all out like that. But... I feel like I've almost desensitized him to normal exciting things which just feels terrible and doesn't put me in an initiating mindset.
I'll add that in every other way he's an AMAZING husband. So supportive of me, an amazing dad, a loving man that serves our family well. I believe he loves me, but I feel like I deserve to have a mutually fulfilling sex life that doesn't compromise my confidence without the dressing up.
I want to satisfy him, but I DONT want to give in on my boundary again...