My ex called me “possessive” for not wanting an open relationship. I finally see it for what it was.
I was with someone for two years. About six months in, he started bringing up polyamory. Not as a hard request at first — just little comments. “I think I might be poly.” “I don’t know if I can do exclusivity forever.” “It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that I have so much love to give.”
I loved him. So I listened. I read the books he recommended. I listened to podcasts. I tried to “unpack” my jealousy, my insecurity, my possessiveness. Because that’s what he called it. Every time I struggled, he’d say, gently, like he was helping me: “You’re being a little possessive, don’t you think?”
And I believed him. I spent months feeling like I was the problem. Like my desire for monogamy was a flaw I needed to fix. Like if I were more “evolved,” I’d be fine with him sleeping with other people.
We broke up eventually. For other reasons, supposedly. But looking back, I think the relationship was already dead the moment I started apologizing for what I wanted.
A few weeks ago, I came across an article about “polybombing” — when a partner in a monogamous relationship announces they’re poly and expects the other person to just accept it. And I sat there reading it, and I started crying. Not because I was sad. Because I finally had a word for it.
He didn’t discover himself. He didn’t “come out.” He changed the terms of our relationship and then made me feel like the closed-minded one when I couldn’t keep up.
I’m not saying everyone who comes out as poly mid-relationship is doing something malicious. But I am saying that my monogamy wasn’t a flaw. It was a boundary. And I was allowed to have it.
I wish someone had told me that two years ago. So I’m telling you now, if you’re in that place: you’re not possessive. You’re not insecure. You’re not behind. You just want what you want. And that’s enough.