Post:
My (21F) boyfriend (23M) have been together for 6 months now. He keeps having really vivid dreams where I’m cheating on him or leaving him. He’s been cheated on in the past twice, so I understand why that might still affect him, but it’s recently started to take a toll on me.
In the beginning, he would ruminate on it for the whole day and shut me out. I encouraged him to talk to me instead of bottling it up. Over time, that turned into him having more of these dreams, telling me all the details, and me being left with guilt over something I didn’t even do. Now I feel like I’ve unintentionally become an emotional punching bag and therapist because he always tells me about them. I end up reassuring him, but emotionally its so taxing for me.
He also gets really anxious about me leaving him in general (not cheating specifically, more like me breaking up with him). He’ll bring up conversations he’s had with friends about negative relationship outcomes and spiral on them, saying things like “I can’t get it out of my head.” This leads to the cycle of us talking about what-ifs and things that have not happened and again I feel like I'm a therapist. Emotionally its become darning. I’m also starting to feel like I’m responsible for regulating his emotions after his bad dreams or times he spends ruminating on what-ifs.
I told him I don’t think he’s fully over his exes cheating on him, and he anxious and asked me if I see him differently or if I still want to be with him.
This is also my first relationship, so I’m trying to understand what’s normal vs what becomes unhealthy or unsustainable. My main question is how I can support his healing in a healthy way? Is it actually possible for someone to work through this kind of anxiety and past cheating trauma while still being in a relationship, or does it usually require more individual work?
I do have strong feelings for him and I really want this relationship to work, but I also need an outside perspective on whether this dynamic is sustainable long-term.