TW: HG termination regret
Hi everyone. Like so many of you here, I suffer from debilitating HG. Unfortunately, I also struggle with severe prenatal depression and anxiety. I've read that people with HG are at a higher risk for prenatal depression.
The moment I find out I'm pregnant, it's like my brain completely turns against me. Even with very wanted pregnancies, I become convinced I've made a terrible mistake and ruined my life. It happened with my daughter too, even though she was planned and deeply wanted. The strange part is that the second she was born, those feelings disappeared. I was so happy she was here. It's almost as if something about being pregnant itself completely changes my brain chemistry.
On top of the emotional struggle, I've developed HG with each pregnancy. During my first pregnancy, it was milder, and I had a very understanding work-from-home job, so I somehow managed. This time, it hit earlier and much harder. I also have a high-stress tech job (still WFH), and a two-year-old who thankfully was in daycare during the workday. Even so, I couldn't be fully present for my job or my daughter. I felt like I was failing at everything.
The constant physical misery from HG, combined with the overwhelming depression telling me there was no way through this, ultimately led me to terminate the pregnancy before I sought the help I truly needed. At the time, I genuinely believed it was my only way out. I was 6.5 weeks along.
The hardest part is that as soon as it was over and the HG and depression lifted, I was flooded with regret. Now I'm grieving the loss of a very wanted baby and mourning the fact that my body and mind failed me in a way that had irreversible consequences.
Part of me wants to take a few months to grieve, heal, and try again, this time more prepared, with an HG treatment plan in place and a commitment to seek mental health support immediately. But another part of me is terrified of ever going through this again.
Has anyone experienced something similar? I'd really appreciate hearing from others who have dealt with both HG and severe prenatal depression. Right now I just feel incredibly alone.