I don’t want to be sad
I’m not sure why I’m writing this, I guess I just want someone to know that I’m not ok. I don’t want to leave the people I love but I can’t stand the darkness that looms over me. It’s just there following me. For a second I feel happy with my friends having fun, but then it’s just there to remind me that I deserve to die, that I shouldn’t be happy, that I can’t be happy. I don’t want to be like this. I want this feeling to go away. I keep thinking about dying, about taking my last breath, about not being here anymore. I have a boyfriend, parents that love me, a stable job and I make good money, why is that not enough. Why am I sad all the time. Everyone sees me smiling they think I’m fine some of my friends know I’m not ok but they don’t know how bad. They don’t know I have enough mg of Benadryl to kill myself in my room waiting for me to stop being a coward. The only reason I’m still here is because I don’t want my friends and family to miss me. Existing has gotten so hard. I know was not always like this, I want to be happy again, I want to feel joy, not just for a moment but just stand there and not fear when the pain will return. I just want to die, so bad I had a date planned 3 weeks ago but I just can’t leave this world knowing it might make someone as broken as I am. I thought I would get better but Im getting worse every single day. Will I actually get better? Does the pain ever go away or will I be this broken until I finally give up die.