When it's over, it's really over.
Today I broke up with my boyfriend of two months. He was a really nice guy, but two weeks ago he broke up with me and said that he needed space, to focus on himself. I was shocked because I thought we had a healthy relationship, but I understood that maybe he was losing himself in me and I would never want that so I respected his wishes. We still communicated and after some long conversations decided that maybe we needed a pause rather than a break. So that is what we took.
It only lasted two days, and he said he missed me and fumbled me and that he was ready to be back together. I thought I was too, but I quickly gain resentment from that, like yes couples break up and sometimes get back together but I never wanted to be that couple. And I told him about every single guy that I thought loved me but ended up breaking me, so for him to do the same thing it fucking hurt.
He was a nice guy, but overtime he began to play more video games and FaceTime me less. We are long distance so we would FaceTime when he had a break in between classes and then twice in the evening. Eventually three calls a day ended up to about one sometimes two if I was lucky.
I didn't want to compromise his freedom so I didn't say anything, after all he was still texting me and I had his location and he had mine. Something still felt off, so over the last couple days I debated whether or not I wanted to break up with him. So I did, I broke up with the first guy who really loved me for me and treated me well. Now he blocked me on everything.
I'm fine with that, I think I want to be single for a while. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with me, but I had to follow my gut. That's not my husband, and I'm okay with that. It's hard to fucking let go, especially since as a trans woman it's hard to find the bare minimum, but I'm not sacrificing any part of myself to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It's not worth it. I'd rather be alone. Even if it hurts me more than anything.
I've loved again before, and I've healed from worst. Who I am today, is not who I will be tomorrow. I'm not saying it's his fault or mine, and maybe someday we'll meet again, life fucking happens! It's normal.