Too intense too soon?
I (28F, lesbian) met a 26F poly woman and I’m confused about the pace
I matched with “Ariel” (26F) a week ago. She’s polyamorous, married to a man, and has kids. I’m a lesbian and not poly, I said that upfront when we matched.
At first she said she was mainly looking for friends, so I was comfortable talking to her. We flirted a lot, though, and ended up meeting after only a few days of talking. We hung out for about 3–4 hours, played pool, drank, and there was definitely chemistry, although I was pretty nervous and we didn’t kiss.
The part that started making me uncomfortable was how quickly she wanted me involved with her family. She started talking about me meeting her husband and kids very early on and said that if I’m going to “stick around,” meeting her family is important to her.
I told her I’d eventually be comfortable meeting them, but I wanted to get to know her first and spend some time one-on-one. I also explained that I’m completely gay and may take a little time to warm up to her husband.
She then told me she expects people who want to continue being in her life to be respectful and meet her family, and mentioned that two previous women had been weird about meeting her husband “just because they’re lesbians.” That really rubbed me the wrong way, especially because we’ve literally known each other for about a week. 😂 I don’t even know her last name!
She has since said she understands that I want to slow down, and the intensity has definitely decreased, which I actually like. Initially she was constantly complimenting me, flirting, asking to hang out multiple times a day, saying she was free whenever, etc.
I’m realizing I may have been more attracted to how intensely wanted I felt than to Ariel herself.
I’m not judging polyamory, but I also don’t want to become a step-parent, co-parent, sister-wife, or deeply integrated into someone’s household. I’m looking for something more casual where I can date/flirt/hang out with a woman without becoming part of her entire family ecosystem.
So, am I overreacting to the pace here? She met me 2 days ago and already wants me to meet her whole family and I'm getting cold feet.
Edit: thank you everyone for responding so positively! It's reassuring to know there is real and ethical polyamory and I just happen to stumble across something toxic and somewhat dubious. Thank you for the responses I feel much more better now.