When does it get easier?
Some days I’m more sad, remorseful and regretful about my sexual abuse, sometimes I blame myself, I think of it every day but some days it’s more fleeting than others, today I just feel angry and I haven’t felt this angry about it in a while. I don’t really understand why it just happens sometimes but it still does. 8+ years ago and it’s still on my mind, I would pay a lot of money to forget he exists and burn off everywhere he touched!!!
And most people don’t even know the worst of what he did, he was my first boyfriend and we were together for just over a year I think? My memory from the time seems fine when remembering the instants of abuse but fuzzier generally. One example that Ive been thinking of a lot today is when I had told him not to try anything at a house we were staying at WEEKS in advance because I knew what he was like, I said no multiple times on the day too but he did his thing anyway like he always did so I just laid there, I cried in the bathroom afterwards but when I returned he looked so sad and fucking pathetic that I apologised to HIM for being upset and mad, I told him it was okay. Stuff like that reeeealllyyy fucks you up long term huh!
Today I’m so, so angry and quite sad. My chest is tight and I want to cry but I’m trying to ignore it while I work on my end of module assignment. It’s so hard.