I have started the process of starting the journey of unravelling the impact of being the scapegoat of a nmom. I feel like the horse has bolted, and the amount of anger that I can feel in my body is coming from my bones and out of my pores.
I can no longer mask my disgust for anything that resembles child neglect, enabling comments or the presence of flying monkeys being surveillance. Literally feel like I have unplugged from the matrix and I cannot look at anything in the same way before.
I have done emdr intensive sessions which helped all the big T’s, now beginning trauma therapy to address all facets in a less intensive manner. I am struggling to regulate as we slowly address chapters. How have you guys managed to cope through? It feels like a death of a thousand cuts to recount to a therapist but relief as these have been emotions with nowhere to go. I am a mother myself and the love and care I give to my kids willingly has been the mirror I look into while I hold the weight of my mother.
I am complete NC with my parents and LC with some siblings and NC with the rest. Just dawning on me NC with the entire family structure is the likely outcome so the anger I feel is deeply rooted to the loss of the family which I have had to emotionally carry but also be excluded structurally, my grief is within the awareness, the rage towards my mother.
The only silver lining I can hold onto is I made the choice to break the cycle and remove myself and one day I will feel relief when she is gone. It feels so toxic to view it like this but it is sadly how I feel. Wondering if inner peace slowly comes with time after doing the work of addressing the skeletons in the closet? The therapy is helping but at times it feels 1 step forward, 10 steps back.