I’m a 30F, currently 20 weeks pregnant with my first child (and first grandchild of my family). My fiancé is 38M, and my dad is 59M. I genuinely need outside perspective because my dad always feels 100% justified in his behavior, and I’m starting to feel like I’m the crazy one.
Six years ago, during the pandemic, my fiancé, my dad, and I bought a multi-generational home together. It has a separate living unit for him. Financially, my dad contributed $200k toward the purchase, I contributed $100k, and in exchange, my fiancé and I took over the mortgage payments indefinitely (535k). My dad’s ongoing costs were only 1/3 of the property tax, 1/3 of home insurance, and his own utilities. He has lived mortgage/rent-free for the last six years.
At the time, my parents had already been divorced for two years. Since then, he remarried very quickly (met someone in February last year, engaged/married by September, wedding held in my backyard). After that, tension started.
Because only my dad, fiancé, and I are on title, I asked him to get a prenup before marrying her, or at minimum sign a cohabitation/property agreement so all parties would be protected if anyone wanted to sell, separate, or move out in the future. He refused both saying I should “trust” him and his decisions. Every version he did propose was vague and useless.
Fast forward to this year: I found out I was pregnant.
When I told him, I surprised him with a bassinet. His first response was, “Is this for your step-sister?” (His new wife’s daughter is pregnant with her second child.) He did not assume it was for me, his 30-year-old daughter having the first grandchild.
Since I became pregnant, he has only checked in on me once to ask how I’m doing.
My baby shower is being hosted at my mom’s house. My parents have now been divorced for eight years. He refuses to attend solely because it’s at her house. He offered no alternative or solution until my sisters told him he should at least do something separate.
Then came the final straw.
We had a gender reveal on Sunday at my mom’s house. Because he made it clear he would not attend the baby shower due to the location… I simply told him I’d be finding out the gender this weekend- he did not ask any further questions or ask to be included. By the end of the night, I was exhausted and decided I’d tell him in person the next day instead of by text/call.
Before I got the chance, family members posted the gender on Facebook Monday morning.
That evening, I went to tell him in person anyway. Instead, he screamed at me outside so loudly neighbors could hear. Swearing, yelling that he was “done” with me and my sisters, demanding a For Sale sign on the house by the end of the week, saying I disrespected him by not calling him first.
I ended up crying and leaving while he continued yelling.
I want to acknowledge one thing: I understand finding out the gender secondhand could feel hurtful, and I can understand why that upset him. But I also feel he has little self-awareness about how hurtful his own behavior has been throughout my pregnancy. This goes beyond him not checking in. Since finding out I was pregnant, I pushed hard to finalize a cohabitation/property agreement so everyone would be protected (including my baby) and every attempt turned into arguments, delays, accusations, or demands for vague terms that protected no one. There has been ongoing tension for months.
Now he’s also reframing the original house arrangement as his “investment” and saying his retirement is tied up in the house, even though that was never the understanding when we bought it. The original deal was that his contribution allowed him stable housing while my fiancé and I carried the mortgage.
I’ve now contacted a real estate lawyer because I don’t see how this living arrangement can continue.
So… Too Hot Take: was my dad justified in screaming at his pregnant daughter over finding out the baby’s gender secondhand, or is this as toxic as it feels?