Moment of Clarity
I've had a few.
I saw the selfishness early on but chose to ignore it. It was always about her.
If you told her that something she did hurt you. That it wasn't ok. And somehow every time it ends with you being the problem. With you comforting her. This is for you.
I watched a YouTube video on Narcicism in women and one of the comments gave me chills.
"If she says "I'm an empath" Run."
That was our story.
About year 4 in the marriage I was working a job foolishly sacrificing for love that wouldn't be returned. And she found that label.
Later it became ADHD and Autism.
After our marriage she had an emotional affair. Cyber. I forgave her because it was with an ex, and I could see how a lost connection late at night could be a temptation.
We went to marriage counseling. And when we were circling around the reason she betrayed - an interesting thing happened. She shared that I did things that reminded her of her abusive ex. That she thought me being adopted was the real issue, that it was because I didn't think I was lovable that I felt the way I felt.
I agreed to work on myself. Maybe I am the problem I thought.
I was 13 years sober.
3 years later we were having an argument and she said something subtle... And toxic.
I shared something deeply painful in my personal life and it was met with a check the box reply and a pivot to something about her hurting her toe.
99 % of the time her sorry felt wrong. Like a box that was checked. Not a surgery of the part of my soul she hurt. It was dis-orienting.
I would stand there staring at her unable to forgive because it didn't feel genuine.
-
My parents came and visited recently. I'm adopted but they are my parents.
My dad and I got choked up when we said goodbye because we don't get to see each other often.
Somehow my parents love lifted the spell I was under.
They did something selfless for me.
They asked me how I was doing. And I could tell they cared.
Sharing this with my wife I was met with un-interested platitudes and a reversal of subject onto her.
That was when it hit me.
She will never care.
10 years I have groveled for acknowledgement of my inner world. I have fought for the respect of being treated as an equal.
I have sat there confused at how she could say something so arrogant. On something she knew so little of.
I watched her complain about being in a room and not having anyone come talk to her.
She didn't ask what people thought because she already knew better.
DARVO.
That was the anchor that stabilized me.
All of a sudden 10 years of arguments bewildering, emotional, soul wringing arguments were connected in 5 letters.
Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim
and
Offender
All of a sudden it wasn't a fight.
All of a sudden I didn't have to chase her down the rabbit hole.
Those five letters were the key that opened the door to freedom.
I am still married.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
But I won't be going to a dry well to quench my thirst.
God Bless the Dry Wells.