u/Immediate-Peak-9441

I read a lot of posts on reddit about love and porn addiction, I seem to bounce around in my head about it. No matter how much effort I put into change and being the difference will my actions and shortcomings will always define me?

I didn't choose this addiction and I wish I had the strength to stop long ago. I had always wanted to but I didn't know how or where to start fully. It was hard to reach out for support in the fear of being seen as a loser or disgusting. So hiding it and lying just waiting for a day where you feel you could take it down for good, where you didn't hate yourself as much as you always had.

I hate how as a kid I had a friend who introduced it to me without me even knowing what it was, my parents knew I was looking at it but thought it was normal, even laughing at what I looked at in front of some other family members. It made more sense to hide it because people will laugh and see you as disgusting, but it was normal enough to let it continue, because they would've stopped you right?.

The times get harder and you hate yourself more and more and more, but you get that escape and that dopamine so you don't even feel really anything, its all just so numb but you can handle it. You pick yourself up and graduate high school, you get a job, and you find someone that you finally connect with fully more than anyone else, you share your secrets, your loves, your fears, and you show that ugly part of you that you were always scared of showing. They accept you, they point out how you should fix that, you try and do it because this person means so much to you and you want to be on that level. But you fall back into that age old cycle of fear and hiding.

Every time you hate yourself more and more but you messed up and feel backwards. They'll hate you like you hate yourself, they'll be disgusted of who you are. You've failed at everything so far and thats all they will see. You're irratable all the time and everything seems so frustrating, you want to do things but a little hand pulls your heart back. But one day you see that you can do it, the route is clear. You are succeeding and you are feeling more connected with her and you are putting in that effort to be there as you for her. You stop, you do the research and vow to change for yourself. You shed that ugly side off and tell the truth. But this time you get the reaction you always feared.

You get the support of your family after almost just giving up everything. You get the support of your friends, people don't see you for that ugly side. You learn to love yourself, and you learn that you can let people in. Everyone is there for you and you want to do the same for them. You talk with friends on struggles and how grateful you are for them. You spend more time with family instead of hiding away. You enjoy those hobbies and working out.

But the person you love the most barely even sees you as a person. They feign support and act like they want to be around you still. They are alone and you want to help them like they helped you. So you put your effort into getting them support and trying to help her. But thats wrong and not your decision to make, she doesn't want help. You hurt her more and you hate yourself for it, you try and find solutions and help her but she doesn't want that.

So now its out of your hands, just enjoy life without the addiction taking hold. Spend each day missing her and wanting to be there for her and wanting to live that life that we both wanted to live. Just keep walking, and being proud of the person you are now. But still, could someone love a person who had this addiction? The person who knows me the best couldn't, and how could someone else in the future ever hear about this and accept that you changed? No one would ever take a chance on that unless you lie, but I don't want to be a liar ever again. If I'm barely seen as person to her, even if I'd work as hard as I can to take accountability and reassure her that it makes sense to feel that way, that I wont ever do that again to anyone, that I could be the most truthful person on Earth, why is it hard to believe that I'm not a bad person?

I'm still the same person, I still love the things I love, I still have the same quirks, the same preferences, I still have the same mannuerisms and hopes and dreams. She said she loved all of those parts of me, and I love to just share myself with her. I loved hearing about her interests, she appreciated a lot of things in life. She loved nature and the beauty of it. I loved hiking with her and just exploring. She loved late night calls where we just sat there and talked about random things. She didn't read often but she loved these little book nooks that were really pretty. Her arts and crafts skill although she wasn't proud of it always melt my heart when I look at them. She loved to dance and every concert we went to she would get annoyed that no one was dancing. She loved love stories and wanted love like that, and I always wanted to be better so I could do that for her. Farm games like Stardew Valley, she loved Minecraft and I wish I made that world we could play together on. Sweet treats after a relaxing and watching shows. We are both big foodies. Going out and finding fun things to do. Its once the sky is clear from this pornography addiction I want to do all of these the most, where honesty and authenticity wants to scream the loudest and I want to take this girl around the world and show her that i could love her the most. I can't really forgive myself for lying and I know to most people I'll be seen as a loser, for letting this happen, that I wanted to be stuck in this cycle and its easy to stop. It's weird how unreported or unknown this is to most people, we aren't even able to find the means to stop.

I hate this pornography addiction, I've been strong against it and I don't ever want to not be strong. I'm so glad that I took the steps I did as young as I did because I don't want to be trapped. 1 month and 2 weeks and 3 days going strong. I really hope this doesn't define me and it hurts that to others it can define me. I don't want to be stuck behind in hurt and feeling like a victim of the addiction.

As of today I am 6 weeks sober, I won't lie it hasn't actually been too much of a struggle. I'm putting all my effort into it and I've found my ways around it. I'm spending time with my fanily more, I'm spending tine with friends more. I've been taking care of my body and mind equally.

Going to sleep on time had been something I was worried about because I felt I always missed out on times with friends, but honestly I feel better knowing that my mind is more clear and awake throughout the day. Working out and drinking water had made my body really not as sore as usual and I can look in the mirror and see my progress. My new hobbies have been fun! I can rely on my family and friends to support me when I feel upset or sad.

I get sad over my Ex still constantly and I'm usually a step away from crying, slowly I'm kind of just accepting the fact that she probably will only ever want to be acquantinces over even just friends. She doesn't trust me and she probably never will. I have done actions that I thought were right, but was just me trying to get her support when she wants to be alone. My family is always there for her and will always support her if she asks. I know her family is there for her too. Even if I try to make it up to her or help she doesn't want that or to trust me or even try to anymore. I'm accepting that she won't forgive me either. So I'm just gonna stop, I'm just sick of it overall, I've beaten myself up over it, I've considered offing myself over it, I've stooped low to call myself a horrible person and that I'm selfish for everything that I do. I let my emotions and love get in the way, just to desperately hope and cling onto her. So I'm just gonna let her be.

Its been a good 6 weeks, which is 1 month and 2 weeks. This addiction can't beat me, I'm just gonna do the things I want to do and stop worrying about my Exs wellbeing. My identity is not of an addict and I won't let it be that way. I'm gonna stop talking about my Ex from now on. She may regret me and ever knowing me and that may hurt, but I'll always love her and everything she was to me, I wish we just gave it one more chance but she just wants to get away from it all and thats okay! If she doesnt want to work through problems right now I've learned my lesson to not force it. Thank you to everyone has been supporting me, I'm gonna keep going on strong!

I'm almost 6 weeks sober from my pornography addiction and I'm still going strong and great. My Ex ended no contact early because of a boundary I broke and I regret it severely. I'm doing my best to make it up to her while being grateful that she still wants to be in contact.

I had rough last couple of days and spiraled a lot, this breakup is still just eating me alive and I can't really fully come to terms of it and what the future will bring. I realised how selfish I was being and treating it all like I'm the one who is only hurting and trying to rush things that I can't control, I constantly just felt that this would be so much easier if we just gave it a chance, but I know that would only make me feel better even if I did work hard to earn her trust. My family all reassures me that this is just a small part of my life and that you never know what could happen, maybe one day the universe will bring you back together if you just work on yourself. I don't like to minimize things that mean a lot to me and everything that she was to me made me happy. I even still dream about her.

I've been being honest with her about hanging out with her sister and things that happen and that we talk about. I've been enjoying spending time with her sister and we both struggle with feeling isolated and wanting to get out of the house. We talked about having difficulties making friends and how we struggle feeling like all of our friends we do have are busy all the time and don't hang out. We talked about grief and having people drift away from us and how scary it is to be forgotton and left behind. But the day overall was really fun as we got food, went to go feed some stray cats, and then visited some stores. It really made me feel a lot better and distracted me from thinking about my Ex at least for a little while. I realised as I went from place to place, and talked about different things, everything reminds me of her. It's like everything I've ever shared with her that I liked, every place we went and frequented, every little topic and thing I see reminds me of the memories I had with her and how happy I was in those moments. It makes me sad and I try to hold it in. After being honest with my ex about talking about our relationship with her sister and if anything does come up I feel better, like a weight came off of my chest and that I can take some weight off of her worries, I'm trying my best to be a better person and never make the same mistakes again.

This morning she left a discord server with just the two of us in it and it had all of our pictures, plans, little fun personality quizzes and this hit me hard, it was my fault because I vented in it before I decided to be honest and just keep my feelings in, she left for that reason and I asked her if she wanted to join back if deleted the messages. She said no, in my heart it feels like she is letting go too quickly, but I know thats not true. I feel kind of left behind in these memories and it worries me. I wonder if she is holding on to the gifts I gave her, like a locket I got for her, necklaces, any of the pictures on her phone. I have a whole wall of memories and gifts she got me and I don't want to get rid of it, I have all of our couple paintings we did, all of our matching clothing, everything I have that was us and I don't want to get rid of it. Everyday I feel a little better about it but still everything just hurts so much and I don't know what to do with these memories. But the addiction recovery is doing great and I'm glad that I'm staying strong.

I was spiraling earlier today and grappling with my hurt and feelings. I went to my therspy and talked it out there but still I felt sad about it all. I went out with my Ex's sister, who is like a little sister to me, I took her out to the nearest Round 1 Arcade and we just had a good time. It distracted me from thinking about my Ex for little but on the drive home I asked her what she thought of us breaking up, she said she would still love us both and want to be there for both of us.

I told her the truth of my addiction (she literally guessed what exact addiction I had immediatly) and how I lied about my addiction. She was understanding and didn't hold hate or shame for me. She reassured me that it's a hard thing to live with and she knows the effects on it and is happy I'm doing so well with it. I told her how much I wanted things to work out with my Ex and she said with time things will get better and I can talk to her about it if I need it. We had a mutual friend who had been going through the addiction too. She reassured me a lot on how I just have to keep living and letting those sad feelings out day by day. To be better for myself and that everyone would support me. We talked about my Ex and how we wanted her to reach out to us and rely on us for support, but she has to learn to do that herself when she is ready.

We went to go get some snacks and wanted to go to a little area where a bunch of kittens were. But we had a friend who was chased by a creep and we went to go take her to a safer place to calm down.

Overall after talking about my addiction and situation with her made me reassured that her family wouldn't hate me for my past issues and mistakes. Her sister reassured me that they wouldn't look at me in a negative light over that. That I'm doing great with it and that I'm determined to keep going forward, so they wont see me that way. I feel a lot better tonight, so much so that I might be able to get some sleep without waking up. I just want to say thank you for the support of people giving me strength and reassurance, I'm so grateful to everyone.

I just broke down in tears while doing yardwork and I just ran up to my room jist now. I'm just so scared for the future. I used believe that no matter where I was in the future I would be okay if I was with her in the future. I hate this addiction and my decisions to lie. I wish I didn't have that stupid friend introduce it to me. I'm so scared for whats to come, and I can't stop thinking of her literally any part of the day. I think of how I wont be able to hug her, to watch our favorite shows together, to have those deep talks in my car on the side of the house because my parents were down the hall. I'm just so hurt, why doesn't she want to at least try? Am I that irredeemable to her? I know she doesn't hate me, I know she loves me, but how is this the best for me. I've lost the person that mattered to me the most, the person I would fight tooth and nail for, the person I'd support to be happy. After stopping the addiction I feel all my emotions more than I ever had. I'm not gonna fall back into it over anything. But it just hurts, it feels selfish that I'm hurting too. I hurt her so why do I feel like I got hurt more? I just want her back and to work through it together, my parents had been through several similar circumstances and always came on top, so why cant we if I work hard towards it? I get the hurt and the pain, the destabilization of her feelings and nerves, her safety being lost, but can't we work through it together? I feel like such a loser sometimes, is it corny to believe I can do anything if I try hard enough, I dont know how to act around her after no contact. I just wish I continued to tell her the truth before.

I broke her trust and I lied to her about my pornography addiction and she broke up with me over a month ago right when I confessed to her. She says she still loves me and wants to be friends. I don't hold any grievence or hate towards her, what she is feeling is justified and valid. I'm still hurt that she didn't want to give it a try to work through it together, I wholeheartedly believe that we could make it through it and come out better, I was fully prepared to support her and help her get the help she needs to heal and be transparent and patient, but I still understand that is selfish of me to think that way.

I was her only support and the person she trusted the most, she had no one to support her through it, besides the one person she doesn't want to think about. She doesn't want to tell her family because she wants them to not have a bad image of me, her family is always curious about me, and I really lean on her sister as a good friend. But honestly I'm not the same person I was before and even if I am in early recovery my addiction is not something I will ever bow down to or rely on. So if she tells her family and gets her support, I know I'm not that person who would lie to her about my addiction, and I know I can show that.

She only wants people I trust to know, which is my family and some close friends, I've told them the extent of my actions and my lying and how I hurt her and that she is justified to feel the way she does. My family is dissapointed but they still love her and always want to be there for her if she wants. I get thoughts of telling her sister the truth, because I know she would be there for her. My sister said that she could always reach out for an unbiased support. It just hurts that I have to watch this go through, just because she wants to protect the one who hurt her. It hurts knowing when no contact is over she wants to go on as friends, but I love her so much and my feelings have literally not gone away. Everytime I said to her I don't know if we should be friends for her own good, she gets sad and says that I thought that we could enjoy each others presence as friends and my heart melts and I back off.

I'm crying everyday grappling with my emotions and crying. I've writting apologies that I want to give to her to just give her my feelings and true apology. Even if she doesn't want to be with me. It's so hard to navigate through this and literally there are no resources or books that go through this issue that I can find. I'm determined that I am and will be a better person, and I will always stick to that belief no matter what happens.

I'm fully committed to my recovery of my addiction and I've been mentally strong and still going. I miss my ex so much though. I have no attatchment to pornography and don't miss it one bit, but I can't let her go.

My heart is eating itself up thinking about my Ex. I hurt her by lying about quitting, and when I told her the truth over a month ago and she broke up with me I was told how strong I was for it. But the rejection hurt so much but I know I deserved it. I miss her so much and I love her so much and I want to be there for her so much. Every day of No-Contact all I think about is her, the addiction and urges dont really show up much any more.

My heart just hurts thinking that she doesn't want to make it work. I put so much effort to be the best person I can be and it hurts knowing that I wont be able to truly show her that. I have family support and friends, but today I'm alone at home and I just feel like crying so much because I'm not with her. I don't want to be anyone elses person but hers. When no contact is over I don't know how I'm going to act. I feel so much more emotionally available, im vulnurable and determined to be the best person I can be. I just miss everything about her and I want to be there for her as a shoulder to lean on.

I have hope but I just wanted to vent my feelings out as someone recovery from a pornography addiction but reeling from my mistakes that were caused by my inability to be strong earlier. Im just left feeling so sad yet being on the right track.

I had been struggling with a pornagraphy addiction for about 8 years since I was in middle school, I'm in college now. I lost my relationship from lying about it. I had times where I thought I could white knuckle it and it never ever worked. Me and my girlfriend recognized it as an addiction and I found the hope to start to "free" myself from the addiction. She was supportive of me and even said to let her know if I was gonna relapse. After a month of sobriety I relapsed, and in fear I never confessed. This was the most stupid decision and Ill regret my lies for my life. I hid it for a year and a half and was too scared to be a man and admit it. Around a little over month ago, I had been hitting a good streak for once in my life. I had been doing horrible in college with motivation but I did amazing for once after so much hard work that semester. I talked to my therapist that I had been seeing regularly and said I wanted to tackle my addiction finally for good. She told me that I should admit to my girlfriend my lies and be honest and confess. I believed this was the right thing to do, she deserves the truth and it was absolutely wrong to lie to her. I prepped myself for the conversation and did research on how to support your partner after confessing to lying about an addiction. I knew it'd be hard for her and I knew this was a cruel thing to admit and I wanted to show that I regret it and from that point onwards I wanted to be authentic and honest. The day came and we had a nice time just hanging out, we took a walk and I admitted to my biggest stupidest mistakes and choices. She spiraled and asked if I was joking, I said no. She asked me several questions about it and I answered them honestly. We ended up driving to another park to talk. She said that her person would never do this to her, and that someone who loves her should never do this. She broke up with me and I hit my rock bottom, I had almost tried killing myself by crashing my car, but I knew that'd be selfish to do. I got home and I spiraled for 5 hours beating my ego to death for how stupid I was. I put all of my negative thoughts into shaving my hair that I loved bald. In the morning I confessed to my family what I had been struggling with expecting them to find me disgusting and hate me. But my family was there for me and gave me support through it all. They were considerate and gave me advice and was there to listen to me and Im extremely grateful to them. I gave my Ex space because she deserved to have time without me being around. I picked up my courage and determination and started to work on myself. After a bit we got back in contact and I still had hope that she would want to give me the final chance. She said she couldnt imagine a future where she could be with someone who hurt her like I did. She said she wanted to still be friends despite that. This crushed me and I couldn't sleep that night. In my mind I felt she had given up on our love, and that she didnt think it was worth it to work through it with support for each others recovery. I said that to her like a fool, I hurt her even more by being selfish, she wasn't giving up she was letting herself heal. She says that its healthier for both of us if we weren't together, but I know I would be supportive even if she insults me or thinks im lying. She still wanted to go to a concert we had planned a couple days later so I swallowed me feelings and just tried to have a good time. We had a great time and I was grateful that she still wanted to be around me, when I didnt deserve it. We had a deeper conversation about our situation face to face and I saw the consequences of my selfish lies. I can't ever blame her for her feelings. I had been texting her regularly and thats all I wanted to do was talk to her, to know how she was doing, how her day went, but I knew that she wasn't recipricating and I slowly understood that even if it hurt. I thought that we would need no contact, I wanted to give her time to heal without me being there and we agreed on a month. I decided to start an IOP program for 3 weeks. I learned so much about how to properly take care of my self mentally and physically it was a great experience and I met so many people who were supportive of me despite my vices. I learned that I had used pornography as a crutch to deal with stress and emotions that I didn't want to have. I had been isolating myself from my family because they always saw me as the child they didn't have to worry about, I had been keeping that view subconciously for my whole life. I took full measures, Ive been going to SAA meetings, reading books, I used CBT(Cognitive Behavior Therapy) to reframe my negative distorted beliefs about certain thoughts, other people, or just the world around me. I learned to strengthen my frontal lobe so I can fight back the urges, I learned new coping skills and hobbies to replace the pornography. I overall feel significantly better about my self and my feelings. I know now that I dont need pornography to get a little dopamine and that it just made me feel worse. I still have hope that I can show my Ex that I am serious about my recovery. She doesn't have much support and I know I cant be that for her. But I still want to support her and let her heal, her feelings and emotions are valid, and I cant justify my lying or defend my actions because they were wrong. She is an amazing, beautiful, caring, and supportive girl with so much good in her heart and she didn't deserve this. I have hope for my future and I know that I cant ever be complacent. To anyone out there who wants to stop and is hiding it from your partner, I reccomend you tell her before they find out themselves. I am over a month and 3 days without porn. I'm wishing everyone who is trying to fight it luck, I'm gonna keep my journey going no matter what.