(ANYBODY WITH ANY ADVICE PLS HELP) For some context, I’m a 24 year old female. I recognize that this age is already hard enough on anybody. I’m questioning everything in my life, from relationships to future careers to past mistakes. I realize it is normal to a certain extent to question everything and feel unsure. But I can’t figure out if that’s what this is, or if it’s something else.
I’ve been drinking like crazy. Like, everyday after work or every other day. I take breaks but lately it feels like the drinking has been a lot more consistent. I feel like I’m an alcoholic, but I don’t know if my brain is just ruminating on the idea of the fear of being one and obsessing it over so much that it is actually making my possible disease worse, or if it’s just alcoholism straight up.
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD tendencies when I was 18. I had rituals or ticks when I was younger that I luckily grew out of, but the obsession of ideas never fully went away. I noticed that when I was smoking weed heavily, that aspect of my anxiety actually went away. I could combat the anxiety and my brain would not stick on things as much. However, as my drinking has become more and my weed smoking less, I think that’s changing and I’ve been feeling stuck on ideas like I used to be. I have extreme fears of becoming schizophrenic because my dad suffers with it. I think his illness was triggered by hard drugs, but it’s still a terrifying concept. I’m terrified that I’m an alcoholic and I have cirrhosis, but I notice that sometimes I work myself up so much over the fears that I just drink to forget. I have other ruminations as well, but not as bad as this one. The other ruminations include r/OCD and p/OCD. (I understand that this may not be real OCD, but it’s the best way I can describe my own thoughts.) Sometimes I’ll even think “Well I’m an alcoholic so it makes sense for me to drink.” Then I get terrified that I’m too far gone, that I’m physically dependent even though when I don’t drink I don’t have any bad withdrawals. I can see that I can stop, but my brain is telling me I’m an alcoholic and I need to be worried and I can’t stop drinking.
The overthinking feels so much more than anxiety, because it won’t stop and it sends me into frenzies that I feel like my anxiety won’t even do. But I don’t have any physical compulsions, so is it even OCD or is it just anxiety? I can’t tell if I’m thinking of alcohol so much because of possible anxiety/ OCD, or if it’s just alcoholism.
I just need kind advice. I wouldn’t have posted if I would have been able to find any other post that relates to this, but I can’t. Which makes me feel like even more of a freak and weirdo. I’m a very sensitive person and I just want to be normal. Please help me without bringing me down more!!