Why do I hate myself SO much?
I feel like I haven't earned the right to be this hateful. Like I haven't gone through enough hardship to justify how downtrodden and unloved I am within myself.
I don't think I'm a bad person towards others. I'm often told how friendly and welcoming I am. And yet, if i saw somebody treating another person the way I treat myself, I'd be calling the police.There's more to it than a single, quantifiable issue, so I apologise if this is a bit lengthy and boring.
I have friends, pretty good friends. We're all nearing our 30's now so they all have, or are starting, families. I live alone, haven't even had a girlfriend, but that is a separate issue. We text rather frequently and I care about them, and I know they love and care about me. And yet... half the nights a week I find myself curled up in bed, feeling so isolated and alone, sometimes crying myself to sleep because I feel like nobody cares. And yet I KNOW that's a lie. So why, WHY do I feel that way.
Then, I listen to other people's stories, or I see them here in posts about people who have zero friends, lost loved ones, have lived through horrible things and I just feel like an absolute fraud. How dare I feel so alone when there are people out there who are truly lonely.
I live well. I exercise almost every day, I run, I go to the gym, I eat very well. (Bar the occasional sweet treat, but can you blame me) I have never smoked, never drank, never touched a recreational substance. I would argue I'm well on the side of a healthy lifestyle, and yet... I CAN NOT look at myself in the mirror. I state back at myself with hatred, disappointment, and disgust. I see the massive changes I have made. I overcame my eating (starving) disorder. I've almost doubled my weight in the last 4 years. I see the great changes reflected physically in myself. But mentally, I despise the man looking back at me now just as much as I did back then. Ugly, nasty, putrid, gross, filthy, these are the thoughts running through my head as I look at myself.
How DARE I feel this way when I am so fortunate with my body. I have all my working bits, I'm in fairly good shape. I don't deserve to be having these thoughts.
*Triggering content warning*
I struggled for years in my 20's with my mental health. Around 24 - 25, I was in such a dark place I decided to try an escape. In a spur of the moment action, I fashioned myself a rope and threw it over the fire suppression line in my apartment hallway. Not even 2 seconds after the drop I snapped back to my senses with a "Holy sh!t, Holy sh!t, get me down from here" and instead of having an "Oh my gosh! I'm alive" attitude. I criticised myself with hateful comments about how I couldn't even do THAT properly.
The next few weeks were nothing short of embarrassing. I walked around work with a scarf on or my collar tipped high to hide the bruising. Pretending I had a sore throat because my throat was damaged and speaking was quite difficult.
And yet again, even after overcoming such an experience, I still to this day, hate myself for even attempting such a thing. HOW DARE I give up when there are people out there going through so much more. I didn't deserve to be that far gone when I have it so much better than a lot of people.
I have no reason to hate myself as much as I do. Therapy, counciling, positive self affirmations, nothing works. I just want to love myself and feel loved by others. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I'm sorry if this was too long.