u/Imogn

18 female.

Ive only ever walked barefoot. The only times i put on socks were to wear shoes, until today. Im testing how i feel in socks abit further.

Ive always toe walked so subconsciously, but lately im paying more attention and realizing i really dont like textures on my feet, and alot more consciously toe walk when theres water, crumbs or dirt on the floor and actively try to avoid those.

Im also realizing the last time i was getting ready to leave and go out of the house, i put on socks to put on shoes later, and i felt so much more comfy. i still toe walked alittle because of the habit plus my feet are alittle deformed and adapted to it, but i did go flat alot more often at times and it felt more comfortable to do so. And wearing shoes are even better because of the cushioning. Floors just feel too hard, and thats partly why i prefer carpeted floors rather than hard floors, its not a huge difference but it helps. I always feel better in shoes, also maybe even more confident? And as if i can get around easier. Same with socks technically.

Maybe all the sensory feelings when im bare foot take up more of my mind than i realize? Its like a relief when wearing shoes or socks.

Also worth to note ive had some food texture issues, not severely, but i used to feel like gagging eating a full spoon of mashed potatoes at once. Recently stopped eating crunchy peanut butter because i no longer like the crunch and gritty feeling despite liking it before.

I also get uncomfortable rubbing most rough surfaces with my hands, especially fabric, and can even get chills just thinking about scratching fabric. Also wet cloths are awful.

Also pretty sure the toe walking does worsen when stressed, my mom has even pointed out at times ill be walking with my foot raised alot farther than usual, so it could be a combo of both. Worth to note i do have depression, anxiety and feel stress often. As im writing this im struggling to pay attention to my breathing as i hold my breath subconsciously when stressed whether i realize it or not lol, and currently have a headache..

Anyways this is just one of a few things ive realized lately, i definitely wouldnt be surprised if i was neurodivergent in some way, but usually i always think about ADHD, which im aware toe walking can be an ADHD thing too, right? Only recently have i thought about autism as well despite being extremely confident previously that i cant possibly have it.

Im aware theres alot more to autism than sensory stuff, but i just wanted to talk about this for now.

I made this longer than i wanted, fully understandable if alot of people dont read this lol. I really want more insights and opinions on this tho.

Some side notes:

Im 18 female.

Been homeschooled my whole life.

Ive had some level of depression since i think 12

(sometimes i wonder if younger), and its gradually gotten worse.

Tho ive improved on this alot the last year, im very insecure, can be abit sensitive and people pleasing, and do have some social anxiety.

I didnt really come to the conclusion i could be people pleasing until very recently, a part of me kinda didnt wanna admit it i think tbh.

I only have online friends, most the time i talk to them through text, i have very few people that i vc with occasionally. And honestly i dont have that many friends in general anymore, and especially very little i consistently talk to (maybe like 3 people). Ive only started talking to people online since i was 16. Im fairly new to socializing with people. Which i realize how incredibly sad that is...

My social anxiety used to be bad enough i would be having breakdowns a couple times a week over the stupidest things. Again, most my talking is through TEXT, and yet i was still pretty bad off.

Im better now tho, ive gotten alot better with my anxiety since then, but i do still have my moments sometimes. Sometimes it feels like i really am just too sensitive or emotional.

For quite awhile now ive suspected i could have ADHD, because of executive dysfunction. Ive never been able to be consistent with anything in my life, and its extremely hard to get myself to do very simple tasks,

Among a bunch of other traits. Tho im aware alot of it could be depression.

I never even once thought for a second i could have autism, but recently i started thinking about it more and have gone down yet another rabbit hole about neurodivergence, like i did with ADHD. Its seriously hard to stop thinking about this stuff sometimes, and sometimes annoying to hold myself back from talking about it. Ive watched many videos, read subreddits, googled a bunch, and its made me wanna dive into and heavily research psychology as a whole (tho theres other factors for why that is too), unfortunately its hard to find the attention span and focus to wanna do that.

Im trying my best to fully understand autism, knowing a big portion of it is social stuff, its come to my attention that i dont really know what im like in social situations... the only things i have to go off of are extremely fuzzy memories from my childhood (the super rare and short times i hung out with other kids) and the only over 2 years of socializing online.

I cant tell if im very out of practice socially, or if i do genuinely have signs. I can read social cues, but i think it can be hard to pay attention to them? Just as it can be hard to pay attention when someone is speaking verbally. I feel like alot of it is from overwhelm keeping track of every little thing. How i look, my facial expressions, my tone, body language, getting nervous making eye contact, quick eye movements away from or back at the person, the OTHER persons tone, facial expressions, body language, etc. Maybe reading too far into the persons facial expressions, tone, etc. All while trying to listen, retain, and figure out a response, then proceeding to wonder if what i said or the way i said it is stupid or weird or appears rude or sarcastic cuz i used the wrong tone. Repeat. And sometimes its hard to retain whats being said simply because im not interested in the topic, which makes me annoyed at myself. (Alot of this is from experiences video chatting, and rare irl interactions)

Its EXHAUSTING and draining, and sometimes if i embarrass myself (even if the person reassures me) it can turn into a depressive spiral.

Now i may be able to read social cues (if im not too oblivious from worrying about a million other things),

I still HATE the concept of "social cues" or "unspoken social rules." Sometimes ill notice a cue but ignore it, usually out of occasional unsurness or overthinking (even over text).

It ANNOYS me why people cant just be direct. My best friend is adhd/autistic, and its great, we're both direct and very communicative, and makes me feel very comfortable. Where as i feel uncomfortable communicating and being direct to others. Theyre the only person ive known in my whole life that i dont constantly overthink things with (sometimes i still do, but its a DRASTIC difference with other people). I trust that theyll always communicate HONESTLY, whether or not it means saying a drawing of mine (that i asked the opinion on) isnt that good, whatever it may be, and its so reassuring. Theyre REAL, they dont just compliment my drawing just to make me feel good, i dont underatand when people do that, its annoying. And if a drawing i made is ACTUALLY good, theyll say it is. Theyve made me realize the importance of communication, i thought that most people just dont know how to communicate, but maybe its just me??

I also dont know how to initiate conversations most the time (except with the one friend). I dont understand how people do it, and ive never overcame that in the SLIGHTEST in the over 2 years ive been socializing. But maybe i havent practiced that enough, idk. I also rarely go TO people, unless its for smth practical, and not just reaching out simply to talk, i cant do it, i dont know how (the one friend being an exception) I can initiate/join in when its smth im interested in tho... its actually kinda easy in that case, socializing in general is easy when im interested in the topic, (except the usual anxiety about how i appear) but its rare.

Also i cant STAND faking enthusiasm. Im also very unenthusiastic. Tho a big part of that is probably depression.. but i remember being less enthusiastic as a child (around 9) being around other children. Other children had more energy and were more easily excitable than me.

I just cant fake it, i hate being fake, i dont understand why people bother being fake. I can see right through it, and it doesnt help anything, id much rather someone show their true emotions, its authentic, real, and feels much more comfortable to me. It feels like lying to fake enthusiasm, or to fake anything. I physically cant do it. If you ask me if ur baby is cute, the people pleaser part of me SQUIRMS, because i physically cannot bring myself to be fake. (Tho i find most, if not all babies cute)

I also have texture issues, cant rub my hand on any fabric or most rough surfaces without feeling some level of discomfort, or getting chills. The rougher the surface, the worse, and i like smooth things. Some fabrics i only have to think about rubbing/scratching to get chills. Dont like when my hands get greasy/sticky. I would cry when my hands got sticky as a child. I didnt used to be able to eat a spoon full of mash potatoes without feeling alittle like gagging. HATE wet clothes, and dislike the feeling of being wet after a shower, i NEED to dry off before i can do anything else.

I dont SEEM to have issues with lights or sounds? In fact i could EASILY block out our dog barking to the point i wouldnt register it at all, or wouldnt remember he was barking when it was brought to my attention.

Maybe dog barks are different tho? dont know. Also most the time i do have my room dark. Also i hate fluorescent lights, makes me feel weird, low mood, maybe depressed.

I rock when sitting, sometimes when standing. Pick my nails constantly, sometimes til they bleed. Chew my lips. Cant sit still for too long when nothings happening, i end up fidgeting, looking around or bouncing/jiggling my legs. I can sit still like a statue during a car ride tho, unless that car has stopped for too long.

Also APPARENTLY im a picky eater?? I thought i wasnt as i would eat basically anything that was made for dinner as long as it didnt make me gag (which its VERY rare smth does). But i come to realize... i dont genuinely ENJOY most foods. Im not motivated to MAKE most foods. And its super hard to even name favorite foods. Does that mean im picky? Or maybe im just very unenthusiastic about food..