u/Impactful_Egret_0764

When I'm out of the house for some reason (work/event/social) BD will watch TV with SD in our bed. Despite that we have an entire TV room with a big comfy couch upstairs. This never happens when I'm home, only when I'm gone.
I have (more than once) expressed that I am not comfortable with having her in our bed. For one thing, she's a grubby pre-teen who is smelly and doesn't have good hygiene habits yet, and is always sick with something or other from school (lice! Covid! Hfm! Plain old colds! Don't want that on my pillow!).
For another, the bed feels like a private space for intimacy between myself and her dad (though that has been MIA lately) and I don't think it's healthy for her to get used to "replacing" me in the bed when I'm not there.
She always has a tantrum when it's time to get out and go to her own bed, and frequently (still!) complains at night and says she wants to sleep in our bed, despite that we haven't ever allowed this. I think letting her use our bed only when I'm gone sets me up to be the "bad guy/evil stepmom" who displaces her when I get home, and also I think it gives the false impression that we are interchangeable or in competition for who gets to occupy that symbolic space, which feels really unhealthy.
Context: BD and I have been together for 5.5 years, cohabitating for 4, married for 2. 50/50 with her BM, who I think sometimes co-sleeps with her still, esp. when they travel.
The TV thing happened again last night and BD yelled at me and said he didn't want to hear me complaining about how the bedroom should be "all mine," which is not at all what I'm even saying, and makes me feel selfish for wanting to hold this boundary. I guess I'm just wondering if other folks have struggled with gray area around protecting personal space while step parenting. Also would be happy to know if any resources that discuss this that I can bring to BD. Thanks.