Changes, reflections, and resolutions
This is going to be a general rant about growing up as a young man (22), the things I say have probably been said a million times but I think it will help me to put it out somewhere.
A couple months ago I moved to a new city for work, only about an hour away from where I used to live. Going into it I was very excited, full of energy and hope. I was gonna have a blank slate and my life would improve dramatically. For context I've always been a bit of a loner, I've had a few solid friends for many years now, but I havent really branched out to make new friends or solid connections in general for a few years now. These friends are now all out in college, military, have girlfriends and their own place, some are thousands of miles away, and some are very close but still feel thousands of miles away.
Then there's me, I never went to college or military, straight to work after high school. I go to my job as a project manager and come home to my own apartment all by myself. Im all alone in this big new city, and its been eating away at me a lot recently. Of all my friends, and everyone I know in general; I'm the ONLY one who is single. The occasional time I hang out with my friends, I'm 3rd wheeling, or 5th, or 7th etc. I've tried putting myself out there, I'm starting a sports league soon, and some regular volunteer work after that, so hopefully that will help me get back into the world. Its just been tough man, I quit vaping, nicotine and alcohol about a month ago and my emotions have been all over the place. I can't seem to enjoy anything at all. And I mean anything.
The constant existential worrying I do, and self critical thoughts are just crippling. So crippling in fact that prevents me from doing what I need to do to just live life. Its like a real fucked up feedback loop. And I feel like I haven't lived enough life and its quite sad to think about. I've got no real family aside from my mother. I've never had a valentine, never been to a party, hell never even been invited to one.
I guess to sum it up. For a while now I feel like I've been observing the world from the outside, rather than living in it. Maybe there's some trauma in there that needs unpacked. I don't know. Thank you for reading my uninteligible mumblings.
Salmon pasta for dinner (this shit fucking slaps) and a diet coke not pictured.