u/Important-Parsnip431

20-ish years ago, I was a yoga teacher. It was never my career, but I had regular students, a strong practice. An hour a day of meditation/breathwork was normal. I spent weekends at meditation retreats. I studied techniques and traditions.

Point being: this isn't something I'm averse to or resisting trying. It was once a big part of my life.

But now: if I try, it just feels terrible. Overwhelmingly so. The problem isn't my mind, it's my body. If I start to focus inward and connect with my body, it just feels so toxic. Like I'm full of this stagnant, acrid, black sludge. I can take maybe a few seconds of it.

To make matters more irritating, assorted healthcare providers are constantly pushing meditation or breathwork. Often with "that" tone (you know what I mean). I haven't murdered any of them, but only because I'm pretty sure I can't dispose of a body without triggering PEM.

My old life tells me to sit with the discomfort. Let it move through me. My new life says "hard pass." Insight appreciated.

Anyone have similar experiences?

Autistic top here with a decent package and a body that gets the job done. Successful too, which seems to matter sometime. But stepping into the moment, be it a hookup, a date, or even a relationship seems to end up turning into an awkward and unsatisfying misadventure. And bottoming is just boring for me.

Guys will say they want to get thrown around and pounded down, and I'm all for it, but then it seems like there's this invisible checklist of things I'm supposed to be or do or the whole thing falls apart. Apparently, my spectrum brain just can't read between the lines or didn't get the manual. And just about the only thing I know for certain is asking is a huge turn-off.

So I'll put it out there: what do all you cock whores want and expect to happen from the moment some guy knocks on the door?