I didn’t walk at my PhD graduation because my family disowned me
Graduate school was nothing like undergrad for me. For the first time in my life, I experienced repeated failures. Experiments didn’t work, projects stalled, I struggled with addiction, and by the beginning of my fifth year I had to switch advisors entirely. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted by the time I defended.
Ironically, that final semester started out strong. In January 2025 my committee agreed I had all the data I needed and just needed to write the dissertation and finish.
A few days later, my dog started limping. That limp turned was metastatic prostate cancer.
I spent thousands of dollars trying to save his life, but I was only prolonging the inevitable and realized it was time to say goodbye. He died in April 2025, and I was absolutely devastated. I took some time to grieve, and 13 days later my sister texted me: “Bad things happen to good people all the time. Grow up.” That was said in response to me pushing a lot of people away in the wake of my grief. Her words completely shattered whatever relationship we had left and led to no contact. Then she outed me as gay to my father. My sexuality was not exactly a secret, but he had spent years in denial about it, and previous attempts to discuss it had gone badly. This time he told me I was sick and wished me “a good life.”
After that, I basically threw myself back into work because it was the only distraction I had. I defended my dissertation and started a new job in July 2025.
I chose not to participate in commencement that August because I wouldn’t have had a single person in the audience supporting me.
It felt impossible to celebrate anything. Losing your pet and family in the span of one month hits hard. Grieving people who are still alive is a weird feeling.
Now, almost a year later, I deeply regret it. I feel like I robbed myself of something important. My brain categorizes graduate school as something I “survived” rather than the milestone it was.
Whenever I see people posting graduation pictures in their regalia with family and friends, I feel this weird mix of envy and grief because I know I’ll never get that moment back.
What makes this complicated is that not attending was ultimately my choice. Nobody physically stopped me from going. But at the same time, I feel like my circumstances heavily influenced that decision.
So… I suppose I’m here now because I’d like to hear an outside perspective on my choices. I’ve thought about just buying a doctoral gown so I can at least see myself in one, but that feels a bit silly. I just want to move past this closed chapter in my life.