something is wrong with me
this is my first time posting on reddit, so i don’t really know how to start. i feel like there is something wrong with my mental health and i want to try and understand what’s going on or possibly get on track to get some answers. i know that i cannot get diagnosed via reddit post, but i want to see what matches up with my symptoms and maybe see what my next steps are.
so to start out, i’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety for about 5 or 6 years now, but i believe i started feeling this way since i was in 4th grade. i grew up without a mother and my dad was always away at work and even though i don’t remember most of my childhood, i do remember the feeling of neglect and loneliness. along with that, my dad has had a history with substance abuse and anger issues, he stopped using when i was younger, but in the past few years has started to get back into it.
i feel like my upbringing could’ve been a big part in how i am today, but i feel like my life outside of my home could’ve also been at play. i have always felt this constant feeling of not belonging and i often feel like an alien amongst my peers. i feel like i constantly make things awkward or don’t know what’s socially acceptable or i’m being “too much” and i just genuinely have a hard time fitting in with the people around me. it’s not like i didn’t grow up with friends or that i don’t have friends now, but i just feel like no one will truly know the real me. i feel like the personality i have with my friends vs. my family vs. when i’m by myself is all completely different because i have a hard time being myself around people cause i know that if i don’t try to fit in, i’ll be outcasted.
with my emotions, i feel like i can be so happy one minute, then if something minor sets me off, i’ll immediately break down. however, it doesn’t really work the other way around, like i can’t immediately go from sad to happy like i do the opposite. what usually sets me off is when i feel like someone has a negative change in tone with me. i know i’m overdramatic and sometimes when i feel like people are mad at me, they’re actually not, but in that moment it feels so real. i’ll just spiral into thinking that everyone hates me and that no one loves me and i know that that can be an insecurity problem, but it’s gotten to the point where i think that there’s something else going on.
i just so desperately want to be comforted and for someone to notice that there is something wrong with me, but i struggle with opening up and being vulnerable because it’s just easier and other people already have so much on their plate; i don’t wanna be someone’s depressed daughter/friend/sister/gf. it physically makes me ill to try and talk about my feelings, i just can’t do it.
i feel like this was one big word vomit and i’m sorry that it’s long, but i just want to try and know what’s going on.