My best friend spends all of her time with her partner
Sorry in advance for the long post. We’ve been friends for 19 years, since elementary school. We’re extremely close and our friendship is generally easy; we can talk things out and have uncomfortable conversations if issues do come up, which is rare. This issue though is one I can’t seem to find a way to bring up. I’m worried I’m being needy and annoying.
Over the last year or so, I’ve started to feel more and more hurt by how difficult it is to spend time together. I understand that adult friendships make this harder and that relationships become the center of our lives as they get more serious. I’ve been in a relationship for almost six years, I get it. But we live 45 minutes away from each other and end up hanging out once every three months nowadays. We’ve normally hung out at least once a month…I can’t seem to stop feeling quietly upset about it. It doesn’t help that I’m not a big fan of her partner either.
Her partner is an extremely socially active person who likes to fill all of his free time with activities, which he has a lot of because he only works from home maybe 2-3 days a week. For as long as I’ve known my best friend, she has been the kind of person who needs time to recharge, be alone, and chill. That doesn’t happen anymore now that they’re together. I am legitimately happy that he’s helped her to get out more than she used to. But she keeps doing so much with him all day, every day that every month or two, she has a breakdown about needing to be alone and not being able to “be everything for everyone” and goes AWOL. The only person she spends time with is him… so I don’t think she could be referring to anyone *but* him by saying that. I just don’t know if she realizes it. And it makes it even harder for me to see her when her one day without him she’s hiding from the world.
We share one day off a week, and I guess another thing I have been wanting is for her to leave one of them open for us to get together sometimes. I expressed that to her a while ago and it felt kind of awkward when I suggested it. Our one shared day always seems to be booked with stuff he wants to do, and things she doesn’t even have common interest in. She even recently brought up that she doesn’t click with his friends that she’s with all the time. When she’s with them, she generally ends up needing to withdraw and go to their bedroom because of how awkward she feels. I don’t understand why she doesn’t just say no sometimes then…I can’t seem to help but feel bitter toward him about it. Beyond that, I know plenty of people who see their best friends more often than even our usual once a month, so I don’t think it’s that disproportionate for me to feel this way. Or is it? Am I expecting something that is weird of me to expect?
Anyway, the advice I’m looking for is either how to work through the hurt feelings I’m having about not getting to see her anymore, or how to talk to her about it without inadvertently criticizing her relationship. In my experience, it’s risky to talk about things like being annoyed your friend doesn’t hang out with anyone but their partner - it always leads to defensiveness and more distance. I don’t want to push us further apart. But I can’t keep pretending I don’t feel the way I feel either. I dunno. Has anyone else been in this position and found a way to resolve it?