Fear of repeating old patterns with my girl
For context, im in a 8 month relationship with my girlfriend. Nothing wrong with the relationship itself since shes a good girl for me.
But recently some doubts that i didnt even see ppl talking about here started to pop on my mind. Comparing my relationship with short situationships that i had with some guys years ago (im lesbian 18F), and comparing feelings.
With those guys i know i didnt felt nothing and only anxiety, since i didnt really like 'em and didnt even found them attractive. I remember my body wanting to drag me out from these situationships and i just... did. I couldnt care less about them - nor about "us".
But with my girl its different. Ive always wanted to be in a relationship with her, cared about her even while im terrible emotionally and things like that. I really fear the day that we will break up - bc for me, seems like its something unstopable - even tho i KNOW it would give me temporary relief. I did this before and i became worse after like, three days.
Everytime i talk to her im crying or having breakup thoughts, feeling this imense NEED to end things up. But i know i dont want to do this. I can only fell fear and anxiety around her, and im really starting to think the problem infact is the relationship, on even her.
It all started with doubts like "this relationship is ruining you" "shes taking your life directions" (since i fear not being in control of my own life) "you dont see her as a real woman" "youre just repeating the things you did with the guys from your past and fooling yourself", etc etc.
Im really seeing similar patterns to things i did with these guys, feeling similar anxiety and i think this is the end for me.
Worse thing that this is not even solely from relationship anxiety, but the fact that shes a trans woman too. I feel TERRIBLE when i think those things because i invalidate her identity, what she infact IS. Even intrusive thoughts saying "he" sometimes, its awful.
Reassurance seems like the only thing comforting me right know, but it makes things worse after. I feel soo disconected, resentfull and irritated with her. I dont know what should i do.
I dont even feel better while texting this and taking ts out of my chest.