u/Impressive-Buy-4170

Here is my journal entry from td:

Man I feel like I’m back to the start honestly. Like I keep trying to idek just pretend like I’m fine and maybe I’ll turn into that or something Idrk. But I still just can’t really tell if there’s something wrong with me or not I just don’t know. Still just like stuck in a loop of my head of monitoring every single thought that I think and I can’t focus on real tangible things. Like I just am in that infinite loop of being stuck in my head.
And I hear so many different perspectives based on people around me that I talk to and stuff that I see on social media. Like is there something wrong with me or am I just making this a thing myself. Like is there something I have to figure out or will it be fixed by treating it like it’s not actually a thing or do I have to focus on stuff like idek going out into the sun or something. Bc will all of this differnet stuff it’s just like idek what to do and trying to do everything makes me more overwhelmed and.
Idk I feel like part of me is also just always waiting for something. Like I’m waiting for the summer to get a break from schoolwork to feel better, or I’m waiting to get a job to feel better, or I’m waiting for like something else to change to make me feel better. But then once that change happens, I don’t really have a change that happens in my mind.
I just don’t know what to believe. Like do I believe my mom when she says there’s nothing wrong with me or is there something wrong with me that I need to fix. Idrk if she knows. I’ve also never really talked to anyone that feels like this bc it’s not typical anxiety. Like my therapist isn’t really a help because idk how breathing is supposed to help with this.
Not sure if I already talked about this but I keep like trying stuff and waiting for t something to happen. Like I’ll use my phone less and see if I feel any different but this constant monitoring is keeping me in my head more.
Also something more tangible is just like I have a lack of care for most things. Just no preference at all really. That is like the original thing that I felt a while ago that I was kinda diagnosed with depression for and treated with prozac(which I’m still on).

Journal entry from td.

Man I feel like I’m back to the start honestly. Like I keep trying to idek just pretend like I’m fine and maybe I’ll turn into that or something Idrk. But I still just can’t really tell if there’s something wrong with me or not I just don’t know. Still just like stuck in a loop of my head of monitoring every single thought that I think and I can’t focus on real tangible things. Like I just am in that infinite loop of being stuck in my head.
And I hear so many different perspectives based on people around me that I talk to and stuff that I see on social media. Like is there something wrong with me or am I just making this a thing myself. Like is there something I have to figure out or will it be fixed by treating it like it’s not actually a thing or do I have to focus on stuff like idek going out into the sun or something. Bc will all of this differnet stuff it’s just like idek what to do and trying to do everything makes me more overwhelmed and.
Idk I feel like part of me is also just always waiting for something. Like I’m waiting for the summer to get a break from schoolwork to feel better, or I’m waiting to get a job to feel better, or I’m waiting for like something else to change to make me feel better. But then once that change happens, I don’t really have a change that happens in my mind.
I just don’t know what to believe. Like do I believe my mom when she says there’s nothing wrong with me or is there something wrong with me that I need to fix. Idrk if she knows. I’ve also never really talked to anyone that feels like this bc it’s not typical anxiety. Like my therapist isn’t really a help because idk how breathing is supposed to help with this.
Not sure if I already talked about this but I keep like trying stuff and waiting for t something to happen. Like I’ll use my phone less and see if I feel any different but this constant monitoring is keeping me in my head more.
Also something more tangible is just like I have a lack of care for most things. Just no preference at all really. That is like the original thing that I felt a while ago that I was kinda diagnosed with depression for and treated with prozac(which I’m still on).

Please take the time to read I’m super lost rn:

Ok wow so I’m boutta just go like crazy on this guy bc my mind was hella jumbled yesterday.
So yesterday I put in a pretty good journal entry I would say and it was pretty accurate based on the feelings/dilemmas that I had ok for some reason I was thinking like maybe idk my mind just trailed off shit sum.
Ok whatever maybe I need to stop believing my mind bc he be going crazy. But yesterday maybe like hour ish after I dropped that fat ah journal entry I was like laughing like crazy at reels that I was watching which I usually never do. I thought it was like super funny which is obviously a good thing. It was also a different feeling tho fs not used to it so then that started to like fw my mind a little bit telling me something was wrong or that something was off.
I was then like damn maybe journaling is like a superpower type beat and then I was worried oh the next time that I journal imma be super like hyper aware on how specifically I feel after writing the journal entry and maybe expect it to change me idk?
Hmm but yeah it was cool that I was laughing extra hard and ish and I was lowkey just in a better mood — maybe because my mind was more clear rather than like jumbled which was obviously a more niche feeling which could have lead to the then overthinking about such.
Damn idk if I should be like typing this out because I am able to get more thoughts out and quicker or whether I should be writing with my hand bc there is some type of scientific benefit for the brain to be like writing with a hand.
Also at the studio last night I was like just super like conscious of what I was doing. It was weird bc I was like making ppl laugh pretty easily but idk I was just like thinking so much and being like damn maybe making ppl laugh is my type of like coping mechanism. But then what would I really be coping for hmm idrk.
I think there was something there too abt my dry sense of humor like wondering whether that reveals something about me or not but idrk if that is true.
Damn I didn’t even mean to make this a seperate paragraph but I’ll just continue to roll. Like now I’m thinking damn like as soon as I stop journaling am I boutta be like worried whether or not I feel instantly better or not. I mean I can’t expect to feel like a million dollars but I did feel like especially good at times yesterday which might have lead to the off feeling. I think I felt sharper and more clear but Idrk if that’s correct I might’ve been thinking about like this morning.
But yeah these are like genuinely the thoughts it’s nothing really about my environment but more so like analyzing my brain.
Also just popped into my head the idea of posting this on Reddit but then I was like damn I’m just gonna take like a hiatus until I get a response?? Idrk tho I think that’s all I got for today I’m super hungry. Yeah that’s how this old mind be working.
Then I just imagined showing my mom this and her being like super surprised and being like yeah we need to get you actual help which that there would make me feel like there’s something actually wrong with me. Hopefully I’m not a mental patient but yet I think I’m boutta sign off here and call her a day.

This was my journal entry I wrote today just about all of the facts that I have:

Hmm I just need to get some thoughts down because my mind is kind of jumbled up right now:

Was thinking about like depression or anxiety or whatever I have and was like wondering if I actually have something wrong with my brain, is it actually fixable, or am I just like tricking myself into this by telling myself it’s real. Also sometimes I just try to like manually think.

Also I wouldn’t necessarily say like pop back to consciousness but I moreso like have my natural thoughts running (which is good) but then I like snap back in my head and go to like manual thinking type of thing.

Kind of at a crossroads between this book I read that says thinking is the cause of all suffering and whether I believe that or not. Like I want to think and have my thoughts all a certain way and care about x, be stressed about y, etc. I keep wanting to feel the exact way that I felt when I was younger because that was natural and happy. When I was overthinking back then it would be like overthinking about a decision not like overthinking about my thoughts.

I am still capable of feeling excitement and being
happy and I suppose that occurs in the states of non-thinking but I’m not really sure. I am like thinking about something and I am supposed to let it naturally happen but what if it just doesn’t happen naturally.

Also just a lot easier to grab onto the negative feelings than the positive ones. For some reason whenever I latch on to a negative feeling it just feels more real which is maybe why I tend to do so?
I’m also just unsure if like I am supposed to be fixing something here or just letting whatever happen. Because I feel like if I just let whatever happen and just try to not think at all I’m not sure how I can trust that I will just turn back to original state.

Also another dilemma that I have is with like age. I just can’t stop thinking about how short life is and I just like analyze everything. Like when I think about a kid I’m like damn he’s so lucky he has all of his life in front of him. Also — i think I Alr mentioned this but I’m just like so unsure what I should be doing.

Because some things tell me online to not look at my phone or get movement and when I do those I think I’m like always trying to notice whether those things have an effect on me or not and it feels like it always doesn’t. But other things say to just think less, like this book that I read, but I want to be thinking about normal things, tangible things, things that I used to think about. Not this nonsense.

I think that when I try to change a habit, like the phone or whatever, I do it to try and fix something. But, maybe there is really nothing to fix. Idk
And then like I think I just feel less than I did before. Like debating whether to share this with somebody or not im just like not scared to share this with somebody at all. But I feel like I should be, like I should feel more, care more.

Feel like I don’t have enough passion about enough things in general. Again comparing back to my past self but I was super passionate about basketball and school and now I just like don’t play basketball and yeah I care enough about school and still get good grades but I don’t have like a care and passion like I used to. That is what leads me to believe there is something with my brain — that lack of like feeling and care.

Like is my numbness from a depression type thing or is it because of overthinking that has pushed me into this state.

Idk I just need like science and facts to answer this stuff not just like comforting bc I guess nothing is really wrong rn.