u/Impressive-Summer928

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The Hidden King

For Abdul Hafiz, from a heart that prays for him without him knowing

There is a boy I argue with.

His best friends laugh at our debates,

but they don't know that behind every sharp word

is a heart that softens the moment he looks away.

His name is Abdul Hafiz.

Servant of the Guardian.

And somehow, when I watch him, I understand a little more what it means to be protected.

He is shy. He is religious. His manners echo the Quran before his voice does.

When our eyes meet—just for a second—the world goes quiet.

I cannot explain it.

Words fail.

That's why I never told him.

For two years, I secretly loved someone who thinks I'm just stubborn.

He asked about me when I fainted. Repeatedly.

He tried to get closer once or twice.

And I? I changed my seat. I blocked him. I ran.

Not because I didn't care—because I cared too much to let either of us stumble.

Abdul Hafiz, if you ever read this:

You are more than love.

You are a feeling that has no name in any language.

You are the first person I pray for before myself.

Peace for you. Success for you. Protection over your whole life.

I don't know if Allah wrote your name next to mine.

But I know that I chose to guard this feeling instead of wasting it.

I chose to walk away from campus freedom because I didn't want to pass a boundary that would make us less than what we could be—halal, pure, blessed.

So for now, you remain my Hidden King.

Hidden, but royal.

Unknown to you, but known to the One who created us both.

And if we are never meant to be together in this dunya,

then may Allah give me a heart calm enough to accept that.

And may He give you someone who loves you as much as I would have—

with du'as, with silence, with tears, and with a smile that only you ever caused.

But if Allah has written us for each other...

then one day, when the time is halal and the doors are right,

I will no longer hide.

And you will learn that the girl who argued with you

was the same one who prayed for you every night.

Until then, Abdul Hafiz—

be safe. Be guided. Be happy.

And know that somewhere, without a word,

someone loves you in the purest way she knows how.

— From your secret arguer, your hidden lover, and the one who let you go for the sake of Allah.

Unsent letter to Linda (that I’d give anything to send)

Linda,

I’m writing this on my knees. Not because I’m praying—I stopped believing in a God who would take you—but because I can’t stand up straight from the weight of what I just learned.

I was so angry at you. The nagging. The coldness. The way you kept pushing me away until I finally gave up and left. I told myself you didn’t love me anymore. I walked away two months ago and called it self-respect.

Today I found your grave.

And then I found out the truth. You had cancer. You were suffering through treatments alone while I was busy being offended. You didn’t change because you stopped caring. You changed because you were dying—and you wanted me to leave before I had to watch.

You made yourself the villain to save me from the pain of losing you.

Linda, I didn’t just lose you. I lost the last months we could have had. I lost the chance to hold your hand, to brush your hair back, to tell you it’s okay to be scared. Instead, you carried that fear alone so I could stay “fine.”

I’m not fine. I’m wrecked. I cry until my head hurts. I see your face in every argument we never got to finish.

You were trying to protect me. But you broke me in a different way.

I forgive you. Of course I do. But God, I wish you had let me be there. I would have stayed. I would have held you through every terrible moment.

Rest now. No more pain. I’ll carry this love—and this ache—for the rest of my life.

Your best friend, always.