Just found out today. I’ve had three miscarriages in the last few years and one absolutely lovely little boy about to turn 7…
Don’t know how to feel. So many things between now and a healthy baby. I was blissfully ignorant with my son, everything went so well.
One thing I know is this is the last try. I can’t go through it all again whether or not it works out.
I live quite close to my Mom and mostly go see her or bring her out for errands/shopping. I know she would enjoy visiting our house (she rarely brings it up directly but I know she would like it.). We moved her here recently (I have previous posts about this). In the past, she lived far, so having her here is new. When my Dad was alive, and she was well, we went and visited all the time, and they came here. Those times were wonderful and I treasure the memories.
Trouble is... for my own mental health, structuring visits with my Mom around an activity, or keeping them short (30-60 minutes) is just working better for me. If we bring her over for a few hours, or for a meal, I then have to structure my time differently and of course pick her up/drop her off. I have a family, kid, responsibilities... not a lot of down time. I feel selfish, but also don't want to give up a lot more time than I already do.
I feel guilty about this... this unwillingness I have to integrate her more into our daily life? My Mom is pretty mobile and "well" physically. It's really just the memory. She repeats herself, gets stuck in anxiety loops over money, banking, bills, the house (is it sold?), wanting to "go home" (not realistic as she was unsafe). I find constantly reassuring and sometimes dealing with her anger and frustration over not being in the life she wants to be tiring. Keeping her away from my home helps with this.
Is there any reason I should be prioritizing her more and just bringing her over... or is the boundary helpful??
(Recognizing there isn't necessarily a "right" answer here!)
Edited to add... I think the larger issue of guilt is treating a loved one as a different person than you would have when they were "themself." In a lot of ways, fundamentally, she's just not the same person as she used to be, so from that logic, it is reasonable to change the relationship. But I remember who she WAS, and the Mom she was. I feel like I'm not honoring her. There's constant tension between what I want/need for myself and what I think she (or the person she used to be) deserves. If that makes sense?
We moved my mom into care last month… it’s been a huge adjustment. In the last year she’s lost her husband, her home and declined rapidly. She wasn’t eating, all she did was smoke and drink. It’s a miracle that she didn’t fall or burn her house down before we managed to get her out and safe. But despite all of that, she’s still somehow functioning at a level to be very cognizant of all she’s lost and now that she’s safe, she’s also feeling lonely and adrift.
I just can’t fix it. I mean, that’s completely obvious, I know. I would tell anyone in my life that you cannot control or be responsible for someone else’s happiness. But despite “knowing” that, I just also can’t shake the feeling that no matter how much I do, it’s never enough. I have full time job, a family, children. I try to see her at least 3-4 times a week. But it’s just never enough. And her suffering doesn’t even factor my own grief at losing Dad, my childhood home, and to a very large extent, my Mom. Also within the last year.
I do her banking, i make all her appointments and take her to them. I moved her, I cleaned out and listed her home, successfully sold it. But because I’m not able to give the constant gift of my time with her, it just never feels like it’s enough.
Ultimately, Mom and I can’t walk this path of grief together and that’s sad. I love her yet also resent her I feel the constant weight that I’m solely responsible for her happiness and wellbeing, and never, never, never measuring up.
Not looking for advice. Just saying it all. Today was hard.
My Mom is 76. Smoked her whole life. I just recently discovered she was going through a box of wine every 1-3 days since my lovely Dad passed away last summer (this has finally explained her "strange" days where she feels unwell, shaky and dizzy... she'd forgotten she'd drank the equivalent of 3 bottles of wine the night before). I love her. She was a good Mom. But she didn't look after herself and now it's my job.
My husband and I work full time and have a young son. If Mom moved in with me, she would be alone in the home for most of the day unless we paid for help. And to be honest... this person isn't my mom anymore and I don't have the capacity to be patient and caring for her when I'm also trying to be a good mother and spouse. The resentment would build. I have so much respect for the caregivers who live with their loved ones. I just am not in the place in my life that I can take that on... I can't quit my job and I refuse to compromise my son's childhood by moving someone in with us who would inevitably take his mom's attention away from him. I often feel like a bad person for this, guilty that I'm a bad daughter. We tried her at a retirement facility but they very quickly said that she was too high needs for them.
So... I am having her assessed at a different facility tomorrow where the Memory care is cheaper (but still extremely expensive). Mom has the money, so we are incredibly blessed that it won't be a financial burden. If she lives another 20 years (not impossible since she's only 76 and physically fairly healthy)... I don't know. exploitative.
The emotional toll is huge for me. My mom's unhappy and lonely in her new place... and she no longer remembers that she was just as unhappy and lonely in her home before we moved her. I always lived so far away from my mom, I'm not accustomed to seeing her every single day and I can't find balance of trying to navigate being there for her but not dropping everything every time she has a bad day. The days I see her I feel resentful and don't spend that much "quality" time with her. I also have done a TON of work in the background... researching facilities, moving her, cleaning out her house and getting it ready to sell (the emotional toll of cleaning out your childhood home where all the good memories are behind you is excruciating).
Before he died, my Dad told me to always remember my child is my ultimate priority. I feel his words guide me, but they don't take away the guilt and anxiety that I'm not doing enough for my Mom.
I've been lucky enough at my job to take the last 4 weeks to deal with transitioning my Mom. This is a massive luxury and I realize this. It's also a huge privilege that Mom and Dad had the money to afford care. But I also just want to go back to work and resume some normal semblance of a life. I feel like I'm in a constant state of anxiety and guilt. It's exhausting.
Sorry for the long post... Just ranting I guess. Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'd love to hear what worked, what didn't work, how you managed to achieve some level of balance.
Going to sleep in my childhood home as we plan to pack tomorrow to make the big move for my mom into AL. She’s not safe to be alone anymore, but I hope this move will brighten her life, make her less lonely and give her a few more good years. She’s not as bad as some of the loved ones posted on here, so I’m grateful we still have some time.
I can’t quite believe my Dad isn’t asleep in their room upstairs. He died last summer and I loved him so much. I grew up here. It’s all so sad. Hard when the right decision still hurts so much.
Hope everyone has a good sleep. I hope I do too. Tomorrow will be busy.
Moving Mom out of her home (and my childhood home) this weekend. She’ll stay with us a few days, tour the facility (she’s not been because she’s 5 hours away)… I’m finding the move in coordinator quite lovely and think the facility is quite good, but for those of you who transitioned your loved one… looking for pointers, things that worked well or didn’t work well.
For context of where she’s at… She’s not yet been formally assessed (stuck waiting on the system to give us a date, it’s so frustrating). She has terrible short term memory and is incredibly depressed and lonely (my Dad died last summer). She still does most of her ADLs (other than cooking) and knows everyone… long term memory is mostly intact.
Hi Everyone,
I'm moving my mom into a facility in the next few weeks. I worry about her smoking in her suite. She used to always go outside when we visited and now I've noticed her constantly smoking around us. She doesn't get mad when she's redirected to go outside, but she just keeps forgetting.
Has anyone experienced this challenge and if so, what did you do? We've discussed just not providing cigarettes and trying cessation aids like a patch or something. At her age I don't really have a problem with the smoking on it's own, but I don't want her to get in trouble at this new place.
TIA
I know if I were looking at someone else from the outside I would reassure them that they cannot constantly measure themselves by the mood of their loved one.
But I'm looking for insight from those who feel the way I feel. In a few short weeks we are moving my Mom into assisted living. Her memory is poor but she is mostly able to cover her ADLS (minus cooking). I can have a wonderful conversation with my Mom where she's content, coherent, agreeable, glad to be going somewhere (she's incredibly lonely and ready for the change). I hang up and feel great, on top of the world and even feeling a bit optimistic about the future as we are bringing positive change to her life.
Fast forward a few hours later. She's depressed, anxious, saying things like "I can't go on like this, I need to move." Of course I provide the same reassurance, tell her the plan. That part is mostly okay. What is difficult is how tied to my own self worth these interactions are.
I know objectively she can't retain the information and that her moods are not predictable in the way a person without dementia would be. But I'm having trouble coping with the sense that my actions are somehow responsible for this. Being on the phone or texting with constant redirection, reassurance, spelling out the plan over and over again just isn't realistic for me, but I feel this intense guilt when she goes through these periods of feeling lost and adrift.
I hope this makes sense... does anyone have a similar feeling of weight/guilt? And if so, what have you done that helps?? Again, I know "objectively" that these feelings aren't fair or sustainable, but they creep in all the same.