u/Impressive_Fig_7250

Going to sleep in my childhood home as we plan to pack tomorrow to make the big move for my mom into AL. She’s not safe to be alone anymore, but I hope this move will brighten her life, make her less lonely and give her a few more good years. She’s not as bad as some of the loved ones posted on here, so I’m grateful we still have some time.

I can’t quite believe my Dad isn’t asleep in their room upstairs. He died last summer and I loved him so much. I grew up here. It’s all so sad. Hard when the right decision still hurts so much.

Hope everyone has a good sleep. I hope I do too. Tomorrow will be busy.

Moving Mom out of her home (and my childhood home) this weekend. She’ll stay with us a few days, tour the facility (she’s not been because she’s 5 hours away)… I’m finding the move in coordinator quite lovely and think the facility is quite good, but for those of you who transitioned your loved one… looking for pointers, things that worked well or didn’t work well.

For context of where she’s at… She’s not yet been formally assessed (stuck waiting on the system to give us a date, it’s so frustrating). She has terrible short term memory and is incredibly depressed and lonely (my Dad died last summer). She still does most of her ADLs (other than cooking) and knows everyone… long term memory is mostly intact.

Hi Everyone,

I'm moving my mom into a facility in the next few weeks. I worry about her smoking in her suite. She used to always go outside when we visited and now I've noticed her constantly smoking around us. She doesn't get mad when she's redirected to go outside, but she just keeps forgetting.

Has anyone experienced this challenge and if so, what did you do? We've discussed just not providing cigarettes and trying cessation aids like a patch or something. At her age I don't really have a problem with the smoking on it's own, but I don't want her to get in trouble at this new place.

TIA

I know if I were looking at someone else from the outside I would reassure them that they cannot constantly measure themselves by the mood of their loved one.

But I'm looking for insight from those who feel the way I feel. In a few short weeks we are moving my Mom into assisted living. Her memory is poor but she is mostly able to cover her ADLS (minus cooking). I can have a wonderful conversation with my Mom where she's content, coherent, agreeable, glad to be going somewhere (she's incredibly lonely and ready for the change). I hang up and feel great, on top of the world and even feeling a bit optimistic about the future as we are bringing positive change to her life.

Fast forward a few hours later. She's depressed, anxious, saying things like "I can't go on like this, I need to move." Of course I provide the same reassurance, tell her the plan. That part is mostly okay. What is difficult is how tied to my own self worth these interactions are.

I know objectively she can't retain the information and that her moods are not predictable in the way a person without dementia would be. But I'm having trouble coping with the sense that my actions are somehow responsible for this. Being on the phone or texting with constant redirection, reassurance, spelling out the plan over and over again just isn't realistic for me, but I feel this intense guilt when she goes through these periods of feeling lost and adrift.

I hope this makes sense... does anyone have a similar feeling of weight/guilt? And if so, what have you done that helps?? Again, I know "objectively" that these feelings aren't fair or sustainable, but they creep in all the same.