Throwaway account. My (30F) husband (31M) and I have been together for close to 15 years and married for about 11.
He is rarely in the mood for anything bedroom related. If I say nothing, we can go a couple of months without sex before he notices. I could go 3-4 times a week, though I do not try to initiate nearly that often. When I do try to initiate, he almost always shuts me down. It is difficult not to take it personally. I try not to, but I consistently feel rejected and unwanted as a woman and wonder what is wrong with me or whether or not he still finds me attractive.
I don't want to hound him about it because I feel like that is wrong in general, but I also want to feel wanted.
It is frustrating on the physical end and devastating on the emotional end.
There's always a different reason: he had a rough day at work; the kids were hectic after we got them from daycare; his stomach is upset, or he is sore from work (physical job). He has wondered about T levels, but hasn't gone to the doctor to get tested.
What makes the situation more uncomfortable and makes me second guess everything is that he touches me in his sleep. This wakes me up, makes it difficult or impossible to go back to sleep (which is why I am typing this at 1:30 in the morning), and leads me to overthink. After all, he's never up for it, but is sexual while sleeping, but only enough to get me WIDE awake and then he rolls over and snores.
He's not cheating. There wouldn't be time.
A few years ago, I did discover that he had a pretty bad addiction to pornography. This resulted in therapy on both ends. He had shared at one point that he felt cursed and that now that he got away from that, it ruined his sex drive. I don't think he's back at that.
I have shared how I felt, the fears, the insecurities. He comforts me in the moment but doesn't feel like there is a problem with the frequency of sex in our relationship. But it bothers me.
My body is definitely different after having kids, but I am in pretty decent shape. Why doesn't he want me?
I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel heard, but at the same time I can't and don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to. I love him and don't want to leave. While it may be for other people, opening the relationship is not for us.
We have kids, so life can be hectic, and it is hard to find time for each other, but we have a decent relationship otherwise. This is one thing, but in my mind, it is one big thing. Maybe I am overthinking? Overly insecure? Or am I just missing something?
I THINK I included all the relevant information...
TLDR: I (30F) feel rejected by my husband (31M) due to diffing sex drives and I don't know how to meditate this.