To start i am already diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, cptsd, adhd, depression, GAD, and bipolar has been thrown around quite a bit.
I take wellbutrin.
Ive recently restarted therapy after neglecting it for a year and recently (about a month ago) restarted my wellbutrin. During the first few sessions most of what ive done is
Retell my trauma/ childhood history
Discuss the probable end of a friendship
Retelling my trauma is whatever. I can nearly do it like its just a monologue. I even forget major events until I tell an adjacent story and then go oh yeah then this traumatic thing happened.
The discussing of the end of this relationship however has brought into focus something ive kept under wraps from every therapist... my very intense levels of self shame and hatred. The shame recently has been chronic to say the least. I feel it for everything and anything and always seem to inevitably make whatever issue caused me to be angry about myself. If I do feel disappointed or angry with another person; I get even more angry with myself for allowing that person to have "fooled" me or a view that I dont deserve to be upset in the first place and that I am in general a horrible human being.
My therapists answer to this was affirmations and theyve been harder than I thought because ive literally learned I dont know or feel anything for myself except hatred and the only time this ever waivers is with acknowledgement or validation that I deserve to exist.
This has led to finding posts here about validation seeking behavior and ego and eventually to me ; for the last three weeks; watching every kind of video or media about signs of covert narcissistim and looks into the way their brain works. Ive realized i relate to ALOT of what im finding, especially the whole "fake self" part; an absolute need to be viewed as morally good, and the idea that narc supply feels like something thats a meter that goes up with external validation and down with none.
I have another therapy appointment tomorrow and im not sure if I should bring this up. Im worried im just going to get told that I am a nice person and theres no way I could be a covert; which will actually probably kill my drive to go to the therapist because I convince myself that "oh good ive manipulated this one into thinking im a decent person as well." And will just decide no actual progress will be made here and give up
This is the first time im trying really hard not to lie to my therapist. Up until now ive really struggled with it because again, I feel a need to be viewed as a decent person, but obviously I am not if I keep fucking up every relationship I touch.
Im sorry if this is a rant. Ive just felt super upset and sad and just wish I could get the thoughts to all stop looping and being on constantly. I mostly think I was just looking to vent.