u/ImprovementKey4290

Hey there!

I’ve been meditating for about 2.5 years now, and it’s been a really important part of my life. Lately, though, I’ve been struggling quite a bit and dealing with addiction, and I’ve found it harder to connect with my practice the way I used to. So I thought it would be nice to talk to someone who either practices meditation or is dealing with addiction as well.

I’d love to have a relaxed voice chat about meditation, what our practice has been like, things we’ve struggled with, and anything we’ve learned along the way.

You don’t have to be super experienced I’m mostly just looking to connect with someone who can relate.

Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a while, but this is my first time posting.

The first time I tried ketamine was in April last year while I was going through a really painful breakup. I got addicted almost immediately. Within about three months my tolerance had skyrocketed, and I was using 1–2 g every day.

At one point I started rotating between different substances because I convinced myself that if I wasn't using the same drug every day, I wouldn't become addicted to any of them. Instead, I ended up addicted to all of them.

For a while I was what people would probably call a "functioning addict". My life looked pretty good from the outside, and I was sometimes able to go a few days or even a week without using, so there were periods where I wasn't using ketamine daily.

Then I met my ex, and we broke up a couple of weeks ago. Looking back, my use became much worse during that relationship. For the last three months I was using every single day, eventually reaching 3–4 g a day.

A few weeks ago everything caught up with me. I had my first drug-induced psychosis and my first experience with k cramps, which lasted four days. It was terrifying.

Around the same time I realized that, despite how scared I was that I might have done permanent damage to my brain, I still couldn't stop using. That's when it really hit me that I'm powerless over this addiction.

About a week ago I started going to NA meetings. I'm trying to take recovery seriously, but it's been incredibly difficult.

Looking back now, I don't think that relationship was healthy for me. During it I think I was using ketamine to try to keep my heart open and numb the anxiety, but in reality I think I felt emotionally unsafe much of the time. The breakup, the addiction, the psychosis, and everything else has brought up a lot of old trauma that I'm now trying to face without drugs.

Everything is still very fresh, and I'm struggling every day. If anyone else is early in recovery, or has been through something similar, I'd really love to connect. It would be nice to have someone to talk to who truly understands what this addiction is like.