AITA/Do they know what theyre doing to us/WHY
Throwaway (will give main acc if needed)
Also, im sorry if this doesnt make much sense, Im in a state I havent been able to break for hours, and im genuinley very confused but too exhausted to sleep with everything.
I also sort of want to ask is this sort of behaviour common for PWBPD or if she just actually evil.
This will probably be deleted anyways by me or mods, though I did read the rules as to not violate them.
For background; I was an abused child, I had a mother with BPD that taught me to manage other peoples and an absurd father, but because of that it really makes me feel like ive never known where to draw the line, especially with these people.
I had a best friend, for about a year on and off, she has BPD and shes always made me feel like cattle, a tool, I think yall get what I mean.
Anyhow, she admitted to me once she uses specific people for specific fixes and I was her favorite for emotional things.
Back to when I first met her though, second time I was over, she wasnt with her current partner, she had no (sorry to be vulgar) sexual fix and I ended up being assulted by her; I asked her about it and why for months and she just told me it never happened, she later admitted and said she was sorry, but never why, so she just wanted it.
I moved on, I have thick skin, nothing new to me, I thought id be fine and it wasnt a big deal especially since im a man.
Fast forward,
she got a boyfriend and proclaimed he was her favourite two weeks into them dating and then pushed me to what seemed like the other side of the sea until she realized he was somewhat emotionally incompitent, she then complained about it day after day, but never would leave or say anything to him to discourage his behaviour or let herself feel heard, just complained on and on.
Fast forward x2,
This dynamic had continued not only with her boyfriend but her family, I watched her grow more selfish and hateful and just straight up verbally abusive to said family, she would never consider their emotions in reactions to her and instead of asking shed just cry and stomp away. She also cheated on her boyfriend with 2 people, it disgusted me if im honest and I felt bad for him. She also tended just kind of, ignore me at the time until she needed me, my texts, and she never took interest in anything I said when I came over (but would throw a fit whenever I wouldnt, even when health related) and always pulled up her phone until it was her time to talk, around this time I had developed a plan to help her get better or atleast somewhat, and seeing it she just laughed in my face because she 'didnt feel like it' and anytime I directedly confronted her and explained her dramatics shed just cry.
Fast forward x3,
I snapped, I left for what was supposed to be a week, I felt like a pawn being used to affirm her emotional state and considering it was terrible every single day and she didnt give 2 shts about mine or any advice I had to give, so I just left.
During this time, id told a mutual friend about the assult and learned she had assulted her 3 times and two other girls aswell, she had also lied about being raped by a man she had slept with.
She started to follow me around school after that, every day id see her, 5th period was the worst, she had a sort of relationship with our teacher so shed come in and stare at me from his seat. I contacted administration 7 times and the teacher just brushed me and them off. Eventually I snapped seeing her every day, and so close, so I went into the bathroom and self harmed pretty severley before begging my 6th period teacher to let me go to the counselor, after explaining the situation I stupidly unblocked her and told her if she comes in again im going to rock her shit and called her a creep. Well, she had her boyfriend text me, he was calling me childish and pathetic, I then told him who/when/were she cheated on him with, all of the sexual things I knew about their relationship that I asked her INFRONT OF HIM not to share anymore, and sent him the accounts of the girls shed assulted. He responded calling out something that had happened in my childhood, and I did the same and he then threatened to come hurt me because I went "Too danm far", and with that I unblocked the girl to text her abt wtf her bf was doing. She then told me she knew, she had sent him, and I asked why, after a long conversation I figured I had wronged her and she deserved another shot.
Last fast forward, This & last week
Things were going well the past few weeks, she left me alone when I needed it and seemed to have completley turned herself around, I even came to hang out for the first time but she then let her boyfriend come over and his friend had to talk him down so I didnt get hurt, I stayed huddled in a corner of the room the entire time, and ended up leaving because he reccomended we all 'hang out' in the nearby wooded area and I knew he was armed with a knife, she later assured me she talked to him and he texted me a sincere apology so I let it go. (He also showed no malace a few days later when I was shitfaced infront of him and kept bothering him to ask dumb questions) We all ended hanging out with an old friend this week, we all got into a car crash and because of that he (old friend) had to crash at her place for a bit until he got things lined up. I had liked him for 3 years and she denied liking this friend herself so I was a little excited as he had shown interest in me in the past, over the next few days I came over (mainly to see him lol) and things were going... off, shes a but of a huge attention seeker and I noticed shed do odd things to get it, she was really touchy, and at some point she ended up going below the belt with it, talked dirty to him, and kept reccomending a threeway (no thanks!), obviously I wasnt really mad just.... dissapointed, I felt betrayed a bit, and im pretty sure they were doing things in bed while they thought I was asleep at some point.
At that point I felt gross, and betrayed, and that night someone (me but not) ended up texting her telling her how I felt and to take the man becahse its obvious they like eachother and shes not the most faithful. She then showed our friend, I got very upset because I not only have a personality disorder and it was very clear to her I was not texting and said personality had proclaimed such, but me liking him for 3 years alsk came up, it was so embarassing. The next night I snapped again, telling her how I felt about things, that I wanted her to take him and hed choose her, that I didnt want to get hurt again, dont remember much else. Tonight I snapped one final time, telling her the extent of the pain that her showing him and her messing around with him had caused me, that it felt like she hated me and just kept me around to hurt me, I then began apologizing fearing the man would see and talking about how much of a psychotic monster I looked (she proceeded to asked him if he thought that way of me, pretty sure she just let him read tbh) and he said no, I went off because those messages were for her, told her I dont know why I keep coming back and started bringing up everything she had done to me and the thing with her boyfriend and eventually it devolved into me calling myself a dog and genuinley convincing myself I was one (PTSD does silly stuff) and asking her what I did and how I was bad shed do all this to me and why she did this to me (no answer but her crying and insulting herself) I messaged her last comparing her situation after this to mine, trying to make her realize what she did to me, hoping shed feel something about it and then I blocked her and my crush.
Im so tired, I felt worse with that than I ever did being abused, like it genuinley does, I cant explain how I feel entirley, and im still not sure if its all my fault.