TLDR: I'm going through a transformative time and I'm worried for my relationship with my husband. I can't tell if the emotional security I'm getting from my other partner has opened my eyes to what I need or if NRE is fucking with my head. Help!
My husband and I have been married for several years but known each other most of our lives. We started out monogamous and shifted to ENM a few years ago, having friends-with-benefits style relationships with other women and couples. We've had so much fun with it and it improved our communication, especially at first. I'm queer and my husband has supported my exploration in dating women polyamorously and even encouraged me to go on more dates.
Fast forward to today, and I've now been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over 2 years. It started pretty slow and casual but recently has picked up momentum as we've made more space for each other in our lives. We love each other and our sex feels like an entirely new category of sex compared to hetero sex. Beyond sex she's emotionally available, understanding/loving around my ADHD shortcomings/quirks, and is an incredible fluid compliment to my own gender/sexual fluidity. I feel like there's a part of myself I didn't realize I was suppressing until she gave the space to let go and stop masking. This all said, neither of us has any desire to live together or do full life planning around the other. We have a very clear understanding that my husband is my primary partner and she's been incredibly respectful and supportive of that.
Meanwhile, I am worried my husband and I are growing in different directions which will create more distance between us. He's always busy with work and his hobby but does make time for meals with me and ENM dates. I try to be casually physically affectionate with him every day but the affection doesn't feel reciprocal. I feel as if he's not present with me, he has a shorter fuse, and hasn't been as emotionally engaged with me over the past year. I've recently gone through a career change and finally feel like I'm where I should be, but when I try to share my excitement around my new industry with him, he doesn't ask questions or share in my excitement. Our sex, while enjoyable, feels a bit rinse and repeat and has become more infrequent. It's messing with my head because I'm finally having sex that centers my pleasure and gives me toe curling orgasms* after him and I have tried to figure it out for years and I want him to be excited to incorporate that into our sex life. (*incredible orgasms not just with the GF, but other partners too).
I hope that this emotional distance is the result of his insane work (which he knows I'd be 100% down for him to quit) and the juxtaposition of my sort-of-NRE with the GF, but there's a needling part of me that worries our values are too disparate with him valuing money and me valuing connection. I just feel as if I've been slowly losing my husband to his job. It feels as if he's on a track towards a more corporate, capitalist life and I'm on a track towards queer-dom and nature. I'm worried the tracks are going to get too far apart for us to bridge the gap.
We had a conversation earlier this year after I had a little menty-b and discussed me not feeling cared for or desired but I don't think anything has changed. And I'm sure some of this is projection, but I can struggle to parse out what's me projecting my own feelings and what is me needing more out of a relationship. We've built a life together and I don't want NRE to tear that down, but this feels beyond just NRE. Does anyone have advice?