A strange state of single mind
One year ago I got divorced. That summer was hard, grief, the realization I couldn’t live life with a liar. Only one month into being separated, I met a girl through work that I had seen before and thought she was really attractive. I was very much not healed, still broken.
She was more than a pretty woman, she was smart, goofy, and direct. Rumors flew round that she liked me too. She visited my home, talked for hours and I felt a buildup of excitement I hadn’t had in years. Nothing sexual that night, just getting to know each other. Weeks later I messaged her about meeting up, planned a walk. She texted that morning early that she was just going to bed but would still make it, but I told her to just sleep instead. Snapchats and messages for a few more weeks but then I pushed too hard to meet again, she was right in saying to give it time, it would be worth the wait.
I am impulsive and fast this is August. Reality is she didn’t want to be a replacement. A small break and then I made a poor decision, I felt lonely and texted my exes father who would still send me videos time to time of Christian pastors. I said I wanted my wife back. So he reported to her to try. My ex planned a trip to Shenandoah. One night with our one year old. I went. We fought immediately and her boyfriend I assume kept calling repeatedly. That evening could have been different but there was a hot tub and our son was asleep. I asked to go in, she was not sure but then gave in. One last time I thought, what does it hurt to accept that.
I went back to work and lied to everyone I was alone on my trip. Just a few weeks later, I found myself at the girl from work’s home. I will never forget her excitement that she said I can’t believe you are here. We kissed and stop from going farther. We also planned a trip then together. A month later, now October we drove to the poconos. She asked me when we arrived a question. Did you really go alone to Shenandoah? I said no. Her demeanor changed. And then the bigger question, did you sleep with her? I said no. We took the walk but still I could tell the energy was shifted. She got sick on the way home.
Later that month we had planned to go to an event together, but I had put off getting tickets, I panicked and told her I had to scalp them to go but she said don’t worry about it and didn’t want to deal with that anymore. Her secrets also came out, which was her ex was still staying at her place now. I took a timeout, but just from her. I met another girl at a party, hooked up and then started to see her for about a month. I even told my coworker, she was very upset and didn’t want to hear it. I told her it is because I knew she was not available. The party girl ended up just being a fling until mid November, when she broke it off. She was actually married… and lied to me that she was separated.
December. I knew now I didn’t want to return to my ex. I didn’t want to continue this pattern of madness. The girl from work also brought something up to me after learning my fling was over. She said she would do anything to be by my side. She threw her ex out. On Christmas Day we spent that afternoon and all evening together. And yes, it was magical. She printed pictures of our trip to the poconos. I hung them on the fridge. We spent all weekend together, and started a relationship. We got to the point of I love you exchanged. Rough events occurred, one her ex tried to break into her apartment, and now has to go to court. Two, she made boundaries that she needed to feel safe with my baby momma. Three, I felt happy and obsessed but was not ready for the future. She broke it off when she learned that her boundaries were not being honored and I still was letting my ex wife into my home. And that I hid the pictures from my ex.
I got flowers for Valentine’s Day, for her, and she had called to thank me. I had let my ex into my home and told her about the girl from work, but my ex was not happy. She threatened to take our son, wanted to know about her and I just told her to leave. She wanted to know if she had seen our son, I just continued to say that is not your business. I got the call mid fight, and I thought it was because my ex wife had actually used messenger to ask her about things. I destroyed everything then. I needed to solidify what I was doing with my life, and have healthy boundaries. To allow someone to feel secure being in my life.
March. I have to leave this out the early part. It’s not my story to tell. The girl from work went through the greatest grief a woman can endure. A decision. I was there with her. For her. I wanted to make her feel normal, so we went out st patty day and somehow found ourselves hanging out again. The love was still there and over a month we got to talking about our future. I helped her with things from getting a car, to just being there for anything. Mid April an abrupt end occurred.
She wasn’t working. You see I was her boss, and I chose to not comfort her like a boyfriend, and thought of the business first. I confrontation occurred with her an another employee, and my girlfriend left in tears and instead of running to her I kept working. She wanted the other employee fired. I took a week to gather the info, and pull the trigger. Over that time I got so many texts that she felt stupid, ruined her life. Sent her baby dad to jail and I promised a fairy tale ending that I could not give. I fired the aggressor and hired her back. She was confused, and didn’t expect it because I took so long. The day she came back she asked the question again, did you sleep with your ex wife on that trip? I finally told the truth. And she lost it. Understandable. Bad timing to tell truth I should have in the beginning.
Two week later, she seemed normal and I reached out a few times, we got coffee. I got her flowers for Mother’s Day. She had surgery and wanted me to come over to snuggle and comfort her. I stayed over. Confused on what that meant, and her making me dinner, asking for clarification, she said that she wanted me to be the one to comfort her and she realized that the love just isn’t there anymore, like it was. I ruined this all. And I’m leaving out a lot. It’s a book.
Recently I’m coming to terms that I never healed anything yet. From my ex wife, to a girl that was more my style if I only would have done things correctly for a future with her. I still have plans with the girl who said we can still hang out, but honestly what will that lead to? This summer I have to be alone. Too quickly I bounce my emotions, and then make poor decisions on sex. I can make one tomorrow night. Or should I just take time away from everyone?