MIL a MAJOR problem after only 3 months!
We moved from the west coast to the east coast 2 1/2 years ago, leaving the same town my in-laws lived in. My FIL passed away this February, it was a shock at the moment but it certainly wasn't a surprise as he had been pretty ill and bedridden for most of the past year. My in-laws have always been dependent on my wife, and by proxy me, emotionally and financially for years. My MIL is mentally unsound but refuses to go to the doctor. I am certainly not a psychiatrist but I would guess it's either Bi-Polar or Borderline Personality Disorder. They would constantly be asking for money, or if we could send them groceries, doordash them food, etc. My MIL has not worked for the last 25+ years, even though she is only 67 now. Through the years my MIL has said some of the worst things about my wife, her daughter, that nobody should be saying to anyone. Really, really awful things. She has also let loose on me a few times in the wildest of ways. I know their relationship has been toxic for my wife, and she does not deserve to be treated this way, but it is not in her to walk away or to no longer try to help her mother. I know she's been through it in therapy and I believe it has done some good but then something happens and we're right back at the beginning, trying to do everything in her power to make her mother happy. Upon my FIL's passing there was no way my MIL could stay in her house, she could not afford the mortgage let alone utilities and emotionally she could not stay there due to her disabilities even though she still will not go see a doctor. So where does that leave us? Yep, we moved her across country to come live with us. We have the room, we have a newly built 3400 sq ft house and are able to get her into a nice big "utility" room with her own bathroom and even an extra spare room at her disposal if needed. I knew it was only a matter of time before she blew up but my wife had the best intentions and really hoped that she would be able to keep her composure in check. Unfortunately that ended as she blew her top at me yesterday for no reason whatsoever, literally just walking by in my own house. We're talking yelling, cussing, shaking uncontrollably all at once. My wife wasn't at home when this happened but clearly was told about it as our 20 year old son was there to witness it all. Now, this morning (I leave the house very early in the morning for work and nobody is ever awake) when my wife gets up herself to get ready for work she is told how much her own mother hates her and again goes in to saying the most hateful things to her own daughter. I know this will always be an ongoing thing, especially if my MIL refuses to get help, but I'm determined to not let it/her ruin our marriage. I love my wife and I HATE it that she has to go through this, I know there is a lot of damage done to her from her mother, to the point were she has been diagnosed with PTSD from her upbringing, but she is beyond reluctant to ever cut ties with her. She has on a couple of occasions gone a few months with no contact due to exceptionally ugly encounters with her but she always lets her back in, something I would have a very hard time doing myself, but I respect her wishes and try to be as positive about it as I can be. I'm at the point that I do not know what to do, we have tried very hard to give her time and space to grieve the loss of her husband but we cannot continue living with a ticking time bomb that is ready to explode at any moment for any reason but we also cannot, and my wife will not, just boot her out and be done with her! Any advice on a positive action that can be made? I'm genuinely out of ideas!