I am trying in therapy, but I do not feel like I am making any progress due to the underlying truth that the last positive feelings I can identify was in 2014. I have passed more planned suicide dates than I can count, and I am currently very close to my planned date. I gave myself over a decade to get rid of the anhedonia, and nothing has worked. Life is literally not worth living when you cannot feel pleasure to me.
Mental healthcare in Alabama is also fucking horrid. I have been to all 3 major hospitals near me, and I ended up even worse off after every visit due to how poor the care is. One time, they kept forgetting to give me my mood stabilizer. It is a night and day difference compared to when I lived in NYC and went to the NYU ward. That was a phenomenal hospital.
I have no opportunity anymore down here. I am 35 with nothing. I have given it all a fair shot, and I am no longer willing to keep trying new treatments (no ECT). I literally cannot take it anymore. I do everything I am told by my psychiatrist and therapist. Nothing works. I am obtaining the means tomorrow, and I will no longer be here by this time next Wednesday. Thanks for all the help over the years, but this is where I sign off.