To the accurately named "Sun".
I don't even know where to begin. I had you for 4 months, I lost you on the 12th of Jan. I told you right? I told you that your name is accurate, you did brighten my days, you did bring me happiness and then you left. Did you get sick of my shit? Did I not love you the way you wanted?
Was I not good enough? But why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you communicate? All I ever wanted was to see you smiling from the heart. To see you shine all the way through.
You're a hardworker and so am I, I thought you'd appreciate the safe space we had built after a long day of work. I thought I could have you for much longer. In 4 years of looking for a partner you were the one closest to my heart with the least amount of words. Your brain was as fucked up as mine. I tried being there for you when life reared its ugly head. I wish you'd let me in. I wish you'd confide in me and me you. It just didn't happen. Maybe we were looking for different things, but I still remember you, months later.
I remember how you were like, how smart you were, how ambitious and determined. I can never forget your discipline towards your workouts even when sick, you did get sick often, and I wished I could physically heal you or even get sick alongside you to make you feel cared for, to make you feel seen. I wonder if I ever made you feel heard, seen, and admired, because till this day I still think of you.
You told me one day that you're afraid that you make me cringe, you never made me cringe, I was always smiling while reading our chats like an idiot. I always felt my heart skipping a beat. I was at ease.
Your words still haunt me. They're embedded into my core now. I remember you telling me 3 times that you'd feel safe with me whenever, did I truly make you feel safe? If so then why did you leave? Because making you feel safe, loved, seen and appreciated were my goals. All I know is that the day you left I spent it listening to The Chords - Sh-Boom, life with you was a dream, I didn't know then during those 4 months, but I was always waiting for your texts, I can't explain how happy I was after hours of working and getting to talk to you, check up on you, and joke around with you. I shattered into a million pieces on that day and after it.
Were you even real? I have so many questions for you, I don't think I'd be able to have any answers. Will I get over you? I hope that I will eventually, I will strive to move on so it'd be fair to the next person. At least I don't read our conversation to be able to fall asleep anymore.