I don't give anyone permission to share this.
This will be long but I’ll keep it as short as I can.
Background: I’m from a South Asian culture where respect for elders is big and misogyny runs deep. I don’t care for upholding that culture, I’m atheist and very critical of religion.
I married dh 6 years ago. Early on I had to teach him basic expectations about marriage and in-law boundaries. Lots of fights then, but now he’s on my side, though I still see him get pulled when his family pressures him.
In-laws:
MIL: meek, passive-aggressive, dominated by FIL and BIL. They openly berate her and she never got real love, so she expects to dominate her DIL. When I don’t comply, she makes demeaning “jokes” (like me cleaning, serving, being beneath them). I told her once to stop—she didn’t, so now I just stare or ask what she means.
Another example: I’m in nursing school (second career) and she told dh that once women earn, they get “out of hand,” gave an example of a nurse she hates. Felt like she was trying to get him to control me. She dislikes when dh is loving to me, tells him to get over me, makes faces when dh does something loving for me. But she is helpful.
SIL: I liked her at first, but she sees dh as her anchor and thinks he shouldn’t be “under my control.” Says he abandoned her by moving away after marriage. She guilt trips him a lot, especially during her depression phase, which really affected him.
FIL: extremely misogynistic, believes women are inferior. Has scolded me for not greeting BIL properly.
BIL: prolly an incel, he's 35 who has NEVER had a job, relationship or a friendship, leeches off his parents who enable him and demand everybody else to tiptoe around him and respect him like an elder. He doesn’t work and is waiting for a perfect job as he doesn’t want to start from entry level. He once misbehaved w me for using the family gym and said to dh “if you cant teach her gym etiquette, I will”. Dh defended me and fought back, now bil isn’t allowed to talk to me. Pils tried to fight that boundary and said, I'm making a big deal, and I should know that’s how he is. Dh does talk to bil though when he's around, and it bothers me but I understand and don’t push it.
Overall, my place in this family is at the bottom, and dh agrees.
Current situation:
I limited contact with MIL due to her comments—talk maybe once a month or less. Recently SIL was depressed and trauma-dumped on dh, guilt-tripping him badly. I reached out to her, she ignored me. MIL also ignored my call but later that day called dh like normal. I took the hint.
On my birthday, MIL called, I missed it, texted back saying thanks and I was out. She complained to dh that I didn’t call back and was disrespectful. Dh brought up SIL ignoring me, MIL said it’s different because she’s the elder and deserves respect.
I told dh he shouldn’t have mentioned SIL, it gave MIL ammo. Later MIL said SIL’s phone wasn’t working and dh should give her the benefit of doubt. I think that’s a lie/damage control.
Now SIL matched into residency, and I feel MIL wants back in to brag and put me down, but doesn’t want to reach out directly. This is causing friction between me and dh. I’m starting to resent him because he sees what’s happening but still kinds justifies them by explaining their behaviour but says hes on my side. Feels like he’s not accepting reality. His mom seems miserable and tries to find control through me and her kids. Their family dynamic won’t change unless I submit.
Another layer: PILs are broke, in debt, still supporting SIL and BIL in their 30s. They don’t own a house. Their kids won’t take care of them, including dh. They don’t even help MIL at home. I think PILs resent me because they expected their DIL to take over, and I won’t.
Question:
How do I deal with this? It’s affecting my relationship with dh. I’m showing anger toward him, and I think he’s starting to resent me too. We love each other, but his family isn’t bad enough to fully cut off, and not good enough to keep close. He just seems stuck and defeated.