u/Independent-Basil866

Hey guys,
It’s my first time posting on here, but I need advice from people who go through the same.
First a little bit of backstory:
My BF of 2,5 years, was addicted to porn since he was a teenager, but didn’t know it when we got together. We found that out together. Since the beginning of our relationship I knew that he would occasionally watch porn, and was fine with it at first. After all, every men watches porn right? After our sex life declined, I suggested that he stops consuming porn for a month (October last year), just to see, wether it would improve the intimacy between us. After three days he watched porn again. It started a spiral of fights, where I said that if he can’t stopp that he was addicted, and him trying to stop and fail.
We had many good conversations about it, where he would acknowledge the addiction and and tried some books and podcast to held him to stop. But he couldn’t, and started keeping relapses a secret and then started lying about it. He would tell me that he is clean since January. In April I got a gut feeling that, that wasn’t true and I gave him the ultimatum, tell me the truth now, or I will break up if I ever find out he was lying. In that moment he told me the truth (after a huge fight, where he would just reveal a little bit of truth and me poking around revealed more lies). It was the first time he told me the whole amplitude of his porn consume.
In that time I found this subreddit, it helped me a lot! We agreed that he needed help and that if he wants to regain trust in this relationship he needs to be honest with me.
We had many talks about, that I was scared that his addiction would lead to him objectifying women he or I know. He always told me, that he would never do that, and that he never thought of any women he knows in a „porn way“ (do you know what I mean?)
We talked so much about my fears, that he is sexualizing people we know in real life, because then it just wouldn’t be some women on the internet (which is bad enough).
He finally has a therapist appointment tomorrow ( He was actively looking for one, since the D-Day in April) and he is also looking for a group therapy (the waitlist are quite long in our area). I thought we were on the right track.
But last night he told me, that he repressed a memory about the time he relapsed and that he knows I want to know (this happened a few times now that he remembered something he has done, and even though it hurt everytime, I appreciated the honesty): in March when his consuming was a secret, a female friend of his, with which he didn’t have contact in 4 years, posted on her instagram story a nude and he masturbated to that. He told me, that for him, it was the same as porn, but for me my whole world broke apart.
He new even before that whole pornaddiction thing that that was something I considered cheating and that this was my biggest fear!
I feel like trash ever since. I want to recover from that, I know he’s doing the right steps to recovery as well, and I appreciate the honesty, but I just can’t keep the image and my rage out of my mind about it.
I know he is more then his addiction and I love him so much but I just can’t deal with this revelation.
Does anyone have an advice?
I’m sorry if this post is messy, English isn’t my first language and I’m kind of a wreck.