I feel like I'm losing my mind due to severe social anxiety and childhood trauma. Need advice.
Hi everyone, I just wanted to share my story. Sorry for the long post. I am a 22-year-old from Morocco.
I feel like a total social failure and incredibly weak-willed. It has gotten to the point where I have to overthink ten times just to say "hello" to someone. I barely speak, I’m deeply introverted, and I prefer spending most of my time alone—so much so that I’ve started living entirely in my own head (maladaptive daydreaming). I can never seem to translate the thoughts in my head into spoken words. Because of this, I’ve failed multiple job interviews and my career has stalled. The worst part is this unnatural, constant fear; I am terrified of embarrassment, and my heart pounds violently every single time I find myself in a group setting.
Even with my family, I rarely talk to them. When I do, I speak with intense anger and irritability, snapping at the most trivial things.
All of this stems from the harsh, cruel life I’ve lived—years of suppression, bullying, and mockery, even from my own family. I grew up in a poor, uneducated family in a small village. We moved to the city when I was around 17. However, I had to commute to the city for middle and high school before that, and moved there permanently after getting my Baccalaureate. Those school days were never easy; they were absolute nightmares. Yet, despite everything, I was a top student. I lived in a constant state of shame, always sitting at the very back of the class, keeping quiet, and just listening. I studied alongside city kids who lived seemingly perfect lives, changing their clothes every day. Meanwhile, I wore the exact same clothes all year long and carried a torn backpack. I grew up, but I can never forget the humiliation they put me through. I’ve grown to hate everything—I hate myself, and I hate my family. It’s a very long, painful story.
Back then, I used to hope for a bright future. I kept comforting myself that God would compensate me for everything I missed out on and for my miserable childhood. But today, I am still fighting, just with a completely exhausted body.
After high school, I completed a two-year diploma in a field I don't even know why I chose in the first place. Today, I work an ordinary, low-paying job earning around $400 a month. To make matters worse, I carry a massive financial burden: I give 70% of my salary to my family because we don’t own a home and have to pay rent.
I honestly feel like I am losing my mind. Lately, I’ve started smiling and laughing out loud to myself, and sometimes I just burst into tears, interacting with the thoughts in my head because they are the only things that comfort me anymore.
What should I do? I don’t want my fate to be losing my sanity. Any advice or kind words would mean a lot.